I Get A Little Bit Stronger

So no, the week didn't go how I had thought it would. Then again though, when does anything ever go how I think it will? Does it make me sad? A little, but it's my own fault. lol I've allowed myself an alloted amount of time to feel this way though. I know that I need to be strong. I need to learn to control my emotions. I need to continue to mature. I can't take a step back from the progress that I've made. If I want this to work then I need to do my part and all I can expect is for him to do his.
We need to continue to work on our communication. We also need to continue to work on our relationship. We can't just sit back and not talk about things. If we continue to do that then we'll never get back to where we were. And that's all I want. I want it to be where we were right before things started getting bad. I was really happy with us then. Where we were and where we were headed. I had great things to look forward to, to plan and research for.
For now, I need to figure out these next few days. I need to figure out how to get used to being at home in the evenings. Not going to see him every night. Not knowing that for once he's just down the road instead of a thousand miles away. It's all about routine. About getting back on a schedule. Knowing that right around 9 I'll get a phone call. Knowing that if I text him after 1 I have more of a chance of getting a response quickly. It's the same as that first week or so when he is underway. It's all about knowing when I'll hear from him, that helps me make it til that time. :)
That all probably sounds really sad and sure, I am sad but it had been 7 months and no matter how much I want to believe it won't be another 7 months, I can't help but think that it will be. I think though it's kind of like when I guy does something to you that hurts you and it takes someone proving that they won't do that to you for you to believe it won't always happen. I know that sounds stupid to compare something as simple as seeing someone to that but unless you've been in my shoes you have no idea how hard it can be and how much you miss that person. There are days when you want nothing more than to be in their arms, it's not everyday but it does happen.
Blogging probably isn't the right place to put all of this. If I don't get it out somewhere though then I know it will just build up and will all come out at once. I'm trying different things to relieve my stress and anxiety. For now, this is what I'm trying.

Talk to Me

I'm very proud of myself at the moment. I made a goal and gosh darn it if I'm not sticking to it (thus far). It is really hard and I am really stressed right now. Ok, so not really stressed. Just a normal amount for me. I was really stressed earlier when I thought I was going to get in trouble for work. That's another story though and I'm not getting into that. Haha all I'd do is bitch about someone I work with and that's no fun for anyone else.
So in my mind, today went a lot differently than it actually did. Although that happens a lot with me.
My sunburn still hurts... very bad. It hurts worse now than this morning and I have no idea how I'm going to wear a bra the 6 hours I'm at work tomorrow. If only I had a strapless one that actually stayed up. TMI I know. I'm praying for a slow day tomorrow. We close at 4 but luckily I'm only there til 2. It's been really busy the last few days, but last week our Sunday rush didn't really come til 1ish and lasted til 4ish. We are having a company picnic tomorrow but I'm not going. No one, except my manager, from my store is going and I don't really feel like swimming.
I got my board shorts today! Super excited about that. I wore my white ones today actually :) Sadly the black ones don't have a pocket but the super cool Fox graphic makes up for that.
Oh my they way... I'm sunburned in my head too. Lol. So in a week when it's peeling I swear its not really bad dandruff. :)
Talk to Me!!

OCD

I think that in one of my first posts I mentioned that my OCD and anxiety were acting up. Generally I am able to keep my OCD under control. I am aware of what my major habits are and keep an eye out for myself doing them. When I hit a rough patch, which happens anywhere from every couple months to every couple of years, I have a lot of habits that I generally don't. Plus, the normal ones are intensified.

I've pretty much always had OCD. When I was 11 years old I was officially diagnosed with it. At the time I had no eye lashes, eye brows, and had started pulling out the hair on my arm. I did all of that without knowledge I was doing it at the time. Well, 11 year old kids can be pretty mean sometimes so I decided it was time to go find out what I could do about it. My doctor referred me to a counselor and I went. He made me talk about stuff, and cry (which I didn't like), and told me that he could put me on medication to help control my habits. The thing was that the medicine was personality changing. Personally, I like my personality (at least most days). I decided to find a way to control the habits on my own.

My first step was to make myself aware of my habits and when I was doing them. That is actually harder than it may seem because if someone else pointed them out it didn't seem to matter. Then I had to find out what I could do to make myself stop. I tried a lot including snapping a rubber band on my wrist. Ended up though, as long as I had something in my hand when I was stressed (what triggers my OCD the most) then I would not pull out my hair. Nine years later, I have my eye brows back and the hair on my arms are fine. I still have issues with my eye lashes. Obviously they aren't going to grow back overnight and often grow back just in certain spots (I was told they wouldn't grow back at all). So, I pull them out. I have tried on multiple occasions to stop, to let them grow back. If they looked bad when a lot were in, I would pull them out then. I fail every time though.

So back to the fact that my OCD is acting up now. Recently I have caught myself pulling at my eye brows and my arm hairs again. No, I'm not at all proud of myself. I'm 20 years old and still can't control myself. I have to start dinner everyday at 5:30, even though it's always done well before anyone gets home. If I don't start it on time, I freak out and don't want to make it at all. I can't have any dirt under my finger nails, I can't wear nail polish on my finger nails either. As soon as it has one chip in it I have to take it off then, even if that means picking and peeling it off. My habits are weird, they aren't like a lot of other people's who have OCD. I'm not an obsessive cleaner, I don't have to retrace my steps if I step weird, and things being out of place don't bother me. Change does bother me though. It bothers me really bad, especially recently. I have to check doors after I lock them, sometimes more than once. I have habits in the way I say stuff. Every night I say "Love you... Mwah... Night" to Jeff. When I don't say those and don't get them said back I freak out. I'm an expert at turning little ant hills into mountains. My thoughts control me completely some days. There can be no actual sign of something but I'll find a way to make something completely different connect to it. Then I focus on that and nothing else. I'll cry over these, what essentially are, hypothetical situations. Is that normal? Well, no. It is fore me though.

Sometimes it's harder for people (basically everyone but my parents) who haven't been around me before when I'm having a bad spell, to understand what all is going on. Sometimes it's hard for me to get what's going on because it seems as if there is always something different. For example, the last 2-3 weeks, I've felt depressed. Like I'm in a rut that I can't get out of. It still doesn't make me want to get on medication though. The last bad spell I had was in November and it only lasted a week, before that it was January/February of my senior year of high school.

So, do you have OCD? Just some habits? What do you do about them?

Until next time.