Notification

It's kind of funny how it takes something as simple as a Facebook notification I forgot to remove, to make me sad. I knew it would be a sad day. I had made it through the last few days with little to no sad thoughts though. In the words of Sara Evans "I get a little bit stronger.". It's not easy but it's something that I have to do. So once again, I'm stuck being strong. I'd been strong for so long. That short break was nice and I plan on getting back there. Being that strong just adds extra stress. I can feel it in my chest (but that's probably from all the stress for my psych test earlier. Yucky. Lol.
I miss you.

My Darkest Days

It's funny how even on my darkest days (I know they're a band) how someone can say something so simple and it makes me smile. I love not being so stressed anymore. It's been a while since it was so easy to make me smile. Don't get me wrong, I loved how life was... just take it back to how it was in February. Yes, that was a great time. :)
One day, I'll get back to feeling like that. For now, I want to discover me. I want to figure out who exactly I am. What on Earth I want to do with my life and more. Oh and I have some money I was saving up for a trip that I dont need to take anymore... so maybe I can discover me while shopping. lol
Night everyone. I hate Tuesday classes. I get to sit in school from 9-1:20 in nothing but straight from the book lectures. Oh joy.

Dr. Oz & Stress

Right now I'm watching a Dr. Oz episode that I recorded earlier this week. The main topic of it is stress. I know that I am an incredibly over stressed person and I don't want that to be anymore. So, I'm on the quest to find ways to destress and to even limit myself on the amount of stress that I have.
The first thing Dr. Oz is talking about is stress eating and what to eat instead of simple sugar foods. He recommends eating salmon twice a week. I've never had salmon but am interested in trying it. He also suggests vitamins B & C!
Exercise is the next way to destress. He said that climbing stairs for 7 minutes a day reduces your chance of heart disease by 2/3.
The next is to massage your hand for 5 minutes to release cortisol! Aroma Thearpy is also in this category. Take lavender oil, add 10 drops of it to 2 cups of water in a spray bottle. Then spray it throughout the house.
The last one is to find what triggers your stress. Worrying about the the past or the future, looking down on yourself, bad thoughts, and more.

I know that I stress way to much about the future. Most of the time it's about school and future career and that sort of a thing. From now on I want to try to take life a day at a time (except for during tests). I want to start working out more after classes. I'm not going to stress during work. Afterall I am just working at subway. There isn't really a reason that I should stress so much over that job. They don't pay me enough to shorten my life through stress. Lol.
So how do you deal with your stress? What causes you the most stress?

Just to Get it Out

I don't understand at all. I don't understand how it can go from seeming so good. Like we were ok. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I don't what I can do.
I suppose here we are again. Back to one of those I miss you so much and don't understand. So I don't know what else to do besides blog. How can someone go from being so sweet one day, so caring to not knowing who to choose? How on earth can you not see what you're doing? You want her for the unknown basically. When you sit there and name 10 things about me that I would give anything to find in someone of the opposite sex? Characteristics that you rarely seem to find all in one person anymore. Obviously you have to be bored with me. But if that's the case then what, in a year won't the same thing happen with someone else? I mean it's another long distance relationship. I give it my all. I treat you better than I probably should.
Someone said to me that if you truly cared for or ever loved me then why would I be in this position? I don't think that you get it. I told you that everyone has these choices at some point. Everyone is faced with the what if I had done _____? or what if I had gone out with ______? Eventually you forget about it. You go with one and you give it your 100%, you never look back. If you do, then all you're going to ever have are regrets. You can't live with being obsessed with the what if situations because there are a million of them and they'll always be there. Anything can be turned into one. So stop it! Stop being such an idiot and choose. I can't take it anymore. The everyday battle with myself. Trying not to get attached again just in case you choose her and leave me. Trying not to think about the fact that you could call me tonight saying that we're really through now and that our break is over and isn't ending how I had hoped it would.
I don't want it to at all though. You've been my friend for 4 years and we've dated for 2. I can tell you anything and you know EVERYTHING about me. I swear I think you even understand what I mean when I don't understand it myself. So there it is. My vent. Stuff I said to you last night and things that I've thought of from venting to friends. I don't want to be mad at you forever. I just want to be able to be Sam and Jeff again. I want to be able to smile and laugh when I talk to you, spoil you with care packages, and hear about your day. I want you to choose me for me though. I don't want to be in this same position in a few months. Don't ask me why, but for some crazy reason I still miss you and I still want you. After all I've been through the last couple of months that seems to surprise everyone, including myself at times.
I know this was all kind of pointless since you won't see it, but at least it's out there now.

I Get A Little Bit Stronger

So no, the week didn't go how I had thought it would. Then again though, when does anything ever go how I think it will? Does it make me sad? A little, but it's my own fault. lol I've allowed myself an alloted amount of time to feel this way though. I know that I need to be strong. I need to learn to control my emotions. I need to continue to mature. I can't take a step back from the progress that I've made. If I want this to work then I need to do my part and all I can expect is for him to do his.
We need to continue to work on our communication. We also need to continue to work on our relationship. We can't just sit back and not talk about things. If we continue to do that then we'll never get back to where we were. And that's all I want. I want it to be where we were right before things started getting bad. I was really happy with us then. Where we were and where we were headed. I had great things to look forward to, to plan and research for.
For now, I need to figure out these next few days. I need to figure out how to get used to being at home in the evenings. Not going to see him every night. Not knowing that for once he's just down the road instead of a thousand miles away. It's all about routine. About getting back on a schedule. Knowing that right around 9 I'll get a phone call. Knowing that if I text him after 1 I have more of a chance of getting a response quickly. It's the same as that first week or so when he is underway. It's all about knowing when I'll hear from him, that helps me make it til that time. :)
That all probably sounds really sad and sure, I am sad but it had been 7 months and no matter how much I want to believe it won't be another 7 months, I can't help but think that it will be. I think though it's kind of like when I guy does something to you that hurts you and it takes someone proving that they won't do that to you for you to believe it won't always happen. I know that sounds stupid to compare something as simple as seeing someone to that but unless you've been in my shoes you have no idea how hard it can be and how much you miss that person. There are days when you want nothing more than to be in their arms, it's not everyday but it does happen.
Blogging probably isn't the right place to put all of this. If I don't get it out somewhere though then I know it will just build up and will all come out at once. I'm trying different things to relieve my stress and anxiety. For now, this is what I'm trying.

A mountain?

Love is cruel. It sets you up for heartbreak and loneliness. It feeds on lies. It tears you apart in a way that can never fully be fixed.

Seriously what is love? Is it when you have someone that you never want to be apart from? Is it that thing that keeps you up at night? Is it true or real? Does love exist?

What causes love to fade? People change, that's a fact of life. It's not always for the better but if love exists the other should learn to adapt to the change. They should not have to completely change themselves though. A lack of compromise? Relationships are 50/50 and it's not always straight but if someone fixed their half shouldn't the other person meet in the middle too?

I am in love. I've been in love for about 3 years. He broke my heart once but I was never able to get over it. Then he fixed it. Now, it's getting ripped apart again. Is it intentional? At this point in time there is not definite answer to that, I'm starting to speculate on yes though. I'll never stop loving him. Even if there is no more "us" down the road. He's my one and I know it. He's the only guy I've ever felt completely comfortable around. I trust him with my life, my heart. I pray that my heart is wrong right now because I don't know what I'll do if it is right. He'll always be my baby.

So, no I don't know what all is going on right now. Hopefully it's just me making a mountain out of a mole hill as usual (and I was thinking I was getting better about that). Pray and cross your fingers. If that is the case, this will seriously be the last time I do that. I put WAY too much stress on myself.

Until next time.

Stress Reliever

Sometimes I can exaggerate stuff a lot. I'm great at making a big deal out of something small. A mountain of of a mole hill. I generally don't even pay attention to myself when I'm acting like this. lol. I'm sure that other people do but not me. I've always been this way. I've always been a horrible stresser. I worry about everything. When I was younger I worried about things well beyond my years. I've never liked being a worrier but it's something I've never really been able to change, despite my effort. To me, it's just something that has become a part of my life. When I go back to school in the fall I know that my stress level will only increase. It's no big deal in my opinion. I stress about school, it is something I have literally done forever. My 2nd grade teacher used to tell me my only homework was to go out and play. Otherwise, I would spend hours doing homework that should've only taken 30 minutes.

Trust me, I know that stress isn't healthy. It's hard on the heart and it only makes my OCD worse. So what do I do to distress? Haha, nothing anymore. It used to be karate. I could take out all of my stress with it. When I taught karate I was in the dojo everyday, for at least 2 hours, after school. The dojo closed and I had to find a new way to release my stress. At first, it was finding a really curvy road and just driving. That worked wonders. Too bad it also used a lot of gas and well I don't have the money to cover that one. In college, I tried running. It was ok, in the end though it only caused pain in my knees thanks to my arthritis. So what now? I have no gym membership so working out like that isn't an option. I have no money to cover driving (even if I did I don't think I'd stick with that one). I can't run. What can I do to help rid myself of stress? What's your stress reliever?

I had no idea what to write about tonight. I'm in a pretty good mood but this is just something that has been on my mind for a few weeks now. I thought it was time to get it out and try to figure it out.

Until next time.

OCD

I think that in one of my first posts I mentioned that my OCD and anxiety were acting up. Generally I am able to keep my OCD under control. I am aware of what my major habits are and keep an eye out for myself doing them. When I hit a rough patch, which happens anywhere from every couple months to every couple of years, I have a lot of habits that I generally don't. Plus, the normal ones are intensified.

I've pretty much always had OCD. When I was 11 years old I was officially diagnosed with it. At the time I had no eye lashes, eye brows, and had started pulling out the hair on my arm. I did all of that without knowledge I was doing it at the time. Well, 11 year old kids can be pretty mean sometimes so I decided it was time to go find out what I could do about it. My doctor referred me to a counselor and I went. He made me talk about stuff, and cry (which I didn't like), and told me that he could put me on medication to help control my habits. The thing was that the medicine was personality changing. Personally, I like my personality (at least most days). I decided to find a way to control the habits on my own.

My first step was to make myself aware of my habits and when I was doing them. That is actually harder than it may seem because if someone else pointed them out it didn't seem to matter. Then I had to find out what I could do to make myself stop. I tried a lot including snapping a rubber band on my wrist. Ended up though, as long as I had something in my hand when I was stressed (what triggers my OCD the most) then I would not pull out my hair. Nine years later, I have my eye brows back and the hair on my arms are fine. I still have issues with my eye lashes. Obviously they aren't going to grow back overnight and often grow back just in certain spots (I was told they wouldn't grow back at all). So, I pull them out. I have tried on multiple occasions to stop, to let them grow back. If they looked bad when a lot were in, I would pull them out then. I fail every time though.

So back to the fact that my OCD is acting up now. Recently I have caught myself pulling at my eye brows and my arm hairs again. No, I'm not at all proud of myself. I'm 20 years old and still can't control myself. I have to start dinner everyday at 5:30, even though it's always done well before anyone gets home. If I don't start it on time, I freak out and don't want to make it at all. I can't have any dirt under my finger nails, I can't wear nail polish on my finger nails either. As soon as it has one chip in it I have to take it off then, even if that means picking and peeling it off. My habits are weird, they aren't like a lot of other people's who have OCD. I'm not an obsessive cleaner, I don't have to retrace my steps if I step weird, and things being out of place don't bother me. Change does bother me though. It bothers me really bad, especially recently. I have to check doors after I lock them, sometimes more than once. I have habits in the way I say stuff. Every night I say "Love you... Mwah... Night" to Jeff. When I don't say those and don't get them said back I freak out. I'm an expert at turning little ant hills into mountains. My thoughts control me completely some days. There can be no actual sign of something but I'll find a way to make something completely different connect to it. Then I focus on that and nothing else. I'll cry over these, what essentially are, hypothetical situations. Is that normal? Well, no. It is fore me though.

Sometimes it's harder for people (basically everyone but my parents) who haven't been around me before when I'm having a bad spell, to understand what all is going on. Sometimes it's hard for me to get what's going on because it seems as if there is always something different. For example, the last 2-3 weeks, I've felt depressed. Like I'm in a rut that I can't get out of. It still doesn't make me want to get on medication though. The last bad spell I had was in November and it only lasted a week, before that it was January/February of my senior year of high school.

So, do you have OCD? Just some habits? What do you do about them?

Until next time.

Sleep

Oh sleep, how I miss thee! In the last few weeks sleep has been a stranger to me. There seems so always be something aiding the trouble I already have falling asleep. I usually go through spells where for a couple of weeks I have some crazy insomnia. I'm generally able to get through with some melatonin and valerian root. If that doesn't work, then well I'm just grumpy and you should stay away. Recently, a lot of other things have been adding onto this. The stupid arthritis in my knees has been acting up. Every time I lay down, the pressure on my knees is really bad and I can't get comfortable. I've also had A LOT to think about the last 2 weeks. That doesn't help especially since it comes on at night... stupid insecurities.

Some, very lucky, people have no problems with sleep. I was actually one of these people at one point in time (pre-senior year of high school). For example, Jeff fell asleep while we were on the phone tonight. Trust me I don't hold this against him at all. For starters that was me in high school. I would always fall asleep while we were talking (oh how the roles have reversed). I'm actually jealous and wish it had been me. My brother is another person who didn't have problems falling asleep tonight. Mom knocked on his door about 10 and he was apparently out already.

Speaking of mom, she also has problems sleeping. Could it be genetics?? I think there's a strong chance there actually because my pawpaw has issues with sleep too. Stupid Mullins curse I say. Well, genetics is annoying me at the moment. I have huge bags under my eyes and am getting to that grumpy stage. Sleep, please find your way to me tonight!

By the way I suggest Meet My Mom on the Hallmark channel. I just turned it on because it has Lori Loughlin in it and well, nothing else was on. It's ended up being a good movie.

Until next time.