Just to Get it Out

I don't understand at all. I don't understand how it can go from seeming so good. Like we were ok. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I don't what I can do.
I suppose here we are again. Back to one of those I miss you so much and don't understand. So I don't know what else to do besides blog. How can someone go from being so sweet one day, so caring to not knowing who to choose? How on earth can you not see what you're doing? You want her for the unknown basically. When you sit there and name 10 things about me that I would give anything to find in someone of the opposite sex? Characteristics that you rarely seem to find all in one person anymore. Obviously you have to be bored with me. But if that's the case then what, in a year won't the same thing happen with someone else? I mean it's another long distance relationship. I give it my all. I treat you better than I probably should.
Someone said to me that if you truly cared for or ever loved me then why would I be in this position? I don't think that you get it. I told you that everyone has these choices at some point. Everyone is faced with the what if I had done _____? or what if I had gone out with ______? Eventually you forget about it. You go with one and you give it your 100%, you never look back. If you do, then all you're going to ever have are regrets. You can't live with being obsessed with the what if situations because there are a million of them and they'll always be there. Anything can be turned into one. So stop it! Stop being such an idiot and choose. I can't take it anymore. The everyday battle with myself. Trying not to get attached again just in case you choose her and leave me. Trying not to think about the fact that you could call me tonight saying that we're really through now and that our break is over and isn't ending how I had hoped it would.
I don't want it to at all though. You've been my friend for 4 years and we've dated for 2. I can tell you anything and you know EVERYTHING about me. I swear I think you even understand what I mean when I don't understand it myself. So there it is. My vent. Stuff I said to you last night and things that I've thought of from venting to friends. I don't want to be mad at you forever. I just want to be able to be Sam and Jeff again. I want to be able to smile and laugh when I talk to you, spoil you with care packages, and hear about your day. I want you to choose me for me though. I don't want to be in this same position in a few months. Don't ask me why, but for some crazy reason I still miss you and I still want you. After all I've been through the last couple of months that seems to surprise everyone, including myself at times.
I know this was all kind of pointless since you won't see it, but at least it's out there now.

Making Room for New

Today is one of those days where I want to just bare my thoughts and feelings and let them all out. I'm not stressing over anything that I say today, it's just time to get it all out so I can make room for new stuff. lol. What I am stressing about though, is the amount of clothes I have to put away. Why do I always do ALL of my laundry at once?
It feels so weird to write about some of the stuff that I used to write about on a daily basis. I mean, I'm not about to sound all obsessed again, I'm past that now. I'm not going to be crying while I write or write about crying. Oh man, do I have anything left that I can write about?? haha.
The last week or so has been really great. Everything that's gone on between us has made me feel really good. Today though, I just have that bad feeling. My chest is tight and something doesn't seem right. I don't what would lead me to feeling like this. There really hasn't been anything to point me in this direction. Maybe it's not related to us but to my spanish test tomorrow. I'm not sure.
Back on a happier note though. I didn't know how I would feel when things started to seem normal between us again. Right now, I'm worried that I'm being a bit annoying and needy. I'm not meaning to at all. To me, the closer I can pull him in and have him around then more likely we'll continue on the track we are on now. I'm pretty sure though, that it'd be quite the opposite. The best news for that is that soon I won't be able to text him and expect instant answers. It will be the reality check that I think I'm in need of. But then again, for all that I know this could all just be me. I could be thinking into it way too much and am not really being needy or annoying at all. I suppose it's something I should ask.
I may not feel 100% better after writing blogs like this one but I do feel better. Just getting this stuff out at all makes it better. I can let all of my emotions out in here and not be an emotional time bomb in real life. By the way, today I'm in a blogging mood so I'm sure I'll write again before bed. Who knows, maybe I'll have good news to share? Or maybe I won't...

I Get A Little Bit Stronger

So no, the week didn't go how I had thought it would. Then again though, when does anything ever go how I think it will? Does it make me sad? A little, but it's my own fault. lol I've allowed myself an alloted amount of time to feel this way though. I know that I need to be strong. I need to learn to control my emotions. I need to continue to mature. I can't take a step back from the progress that I've made. If I want this to work then I need to do my part and all I can expect is for him to do his.
We need to continue to work on our communication. We also need to continue to work on our relationship. We can't just sit back and not talk about things. If we continue to do that then we'll never get back to where we were. And that's all I want. I want it to be where we were right before things started getting bad. I was really happy with us then. Where we were and where we were headed. I had great things to look forward to, to plan and research for.
For now, I need to figure out these next few days. I need to figure out how to get used to being at home in the evenings. Not going to see him every night. Not knowing that for once he's just down the road instead of a thousand miles away. It's all about routine. About getting back on a schedule. Knowing that right around 9 I'll get a phone call. Knowing that if I text him after 1 I have more of a chance of getting a response quickly. It's the same as that first week or so when he is underway. It's all about knowing when I'll hear from him, that helps me make it til that time. :)
That all probably sounds really sad and sure, I am sad but it had been 7 months and no matter how much I want to believe it won't be another 7 months, I can't help but think that it will be. I think though it's kind of like when I guy does something to you that hurts you and it takes someone proving that they won't do that to you for you to believe it won't always happen. I know that sounds stupid to compare something as simple as seeing someone to that but unless you've been in my shoes you have no idea how hard it can be and how much you miss that person. There are days when you want nothing more than to be in their arms, it's not everyday but it does happen.
Blogging probably isn't the right place to put all of this. If I don't get it out somewhere though then I know it will just build up and will all come out at once. I'm trying different things to relieve my stress and anxiety. For now, this is what I'm trying.

Emotions

Being emotional sucks. I haven't been like this in quite a while. Now I realize how stupid and annoying I must have been. Today, it's just been one emotion after another. I woke up in a great mood. After work I was just bitchy and snapping at everyone. As the evening went on my mood improved. Then I was in a lovey mood. And finally, I was sad and crying... excuse me, my eyes were getting rid of the extra water I drank today. lol. Part of the sadness was because I realized I won't get to see Jeff as much as I'd like, but that's not really worth crying over. I'm just estatic that after 6 months I finally get to see him. That's the most important thing.
Mom says I'm still getting used to the BC and it takes time. I guess that once again I'll blame today on that.

Grabbing the Bull by the Horns

I'm tired of being strong. It's not easy and it's tiring. I don't like not being strong so I will continue to be strong. I just may not always be happy about it. lol. I'm sick of bitching and complaining. I've actually bee really good about not complaining so much. I just want to let you know that I'm about to blow that.

I should be really happy right now. I got an email from Jeff (second one so far) this afternoon. Usually I would be smiling from ear to ear right now. Instead all I'm able to think about is the fact that I'm supposed to be so strong during this whole situation. So that's added on top to being strong while he is underway, while he is "off saving the world" (his words and I love it). I'm not saying I can't do it or I don't want to do it. If I didn't want to do it, I wouldn't have done it even this long. I guess all that I'm saying is that I wish he knew how hard I'm trying and how hard it is. I just want everyone to know that I'm fine but certain things that remind me of him a lot may send me over the edge.

I do the best that I can and I am the best that I can be. I have never been one to not go at something full force. I've grabbed this bull by the horns and I sure as hell am going to ride it til I'm bucked off. I'm here, I've figured out how to both live my life and wait for the love of my life. I guess now, all I can do is pray that I'm waiting for something that will happen and not something that will break my heart again.

Gosh I sound bipolar in this entry. lol. I promise I'm not, it's just one of those days.

A mountain?

Love is cruel. It sets you up for heartbreak and loneliness. It feeds on lies. It tears you apart in a way that can never fully be fixed.

Seriously what is love? Is it when you have someone that you never want to be apart from? Is it that thing that keeps you up at night? Is it true or real? Does love exist?

What causes love to fade? People change, that's a fact of life. It's not always for the better but if love exists the other should learn to adapt to the change. They should not have to completely change themselves though. A lack of compromise? Relationships are 50/50 and it's not always straight but if someone fixed their half shouldn't the other person meet in the middle too?

I am in love. I've been in love for about 3 years. He broke my heart once but I was never able to get over it. Then he fixed it. Now, it's getting ripped apart again. Is it intentional? At this point in time there is not definite answer to that, I'm starting to speculate on yes though. I'll never stop loving him. Even if there is no more "us" down the road. He's my one and I know it. He's the only guy I've ever felt completely comfortable around. I trust him with my life, my heart. I pray that my heart is wrong right now because I don't know what I'll do if it is right. He'll always be my baby.

So, no I don't know what all is going on right now. Hopefully it's just me making a mountain out of a mole hill as usual (and I was thinking I was getting better about that). Pray and cross your fingers. If that is the case, this will seriously be the last time I do that. I put WAY too much stress on myself.

Until next time.

Army Wives *spoilers*

Army Wives is, without a doubt, my favorite tv show. Every Sunday night at 9, my tv is tuned to Lifetime. It always makes me think and 90% of the time it makes me cry. Tonight's episode really made me think. I thought about so much actually.

First, is that Jeremy needs to stop being a mommas boy. It is time that he starts making his own decisions. For peats sake, it was time for him to reenlist so he's at least 21. He doesn't need his mom's permission to re up. I realize that he still needs her approval and doesn't want to disappoint her. Jeremy is in the Army, it's time that he steps up and acts like a man. Haha, ok so in my head this sounded a lot differently.

Next, is that I don't know how any woman could go through what Roxy did tonight. She is a strong woman but for any woman to have a miscarriage must be unbareable. I tried to think (and it was a little hard since I don't think of being pregnant period) of what it must be like and what I would do. Honestly, I think I would feel like a failure. I would be incredibly sad and don't think I'd want to do much of anything. For anyone who has been through that before, you are stronger than I. And I am sorry you had to go through it.

Now onto Chase and Pamela. I know that he is going to screw up. He's Chase, it seems to be what he does. We can't lose Pamela though. Her character is so important and brings the drama. lol. At the same time though, I don't think that she should have asked him to quit Delta. I'm sure that she probably knew that he was a going to be a career man and although she may not have known he would be in Delta, she did have to realize the time they would be apart. He isn't gone for a year at a time, just days or weeks. She may not know when that will be but I still don't agree with her. I do think that he needs to step up and be there for his family when he is home. He needs to be there for her. She needs to know that he loves her and misses her when he's gone. He needs to be the man he used to be, the one she fell in love with. There are things that shouldn't change and his behavior towards her is one. He shouldn't ignore her. Then he can't come home and promise her everything is fine and will be fine. He can't expect her to believe him after he broke her heart. (So I think that I'm putting a few emotions from my own experiences in here... maybe I shouldn't have written this one.)

If you take the time to think about it, you can associate every couple on army wives with a real one you know. Or at least almost all of them. It's been a night for me, but hey what's new? I have a bunch of these now a days. Lonely days is how I'm referring to them from now on. I think it's time to stop writing before I say something I'll regret. Maybe some ice-cream will make it better.