I'm Back

I'm back from vacation. I've actually been back for a full day I've just been busy. Vacation was really fun. I loved getting to see all of my family again. I won't write much tonight because I'm getting ready for bed. Get to open tomorrow. Oh yay! My grandparents are in town til the 5th so my posts may still be scarce until then. I'll try to do a few though.

Start of Vacation

Mom and I are finally going to bed. We stayed behind one more day while the guys left for vacation today. We both still had to pack and clean house. We're leaving at 7 in the morning to start our vacation. One week in Branson, MO with 18 family members. They're all coming from Ohio and New Mexico. It's going to be an interesting week. I'll try to update, but no promises that it will be every day or long since it will be from my phone.
Have a great week everyone.

Grabbing the Bull by the Horns

I'm tired of being strong. It's not easy and it's tiring. I don't like not being strong so I will continue to be strong. I just may not always be happy about it. lol. I'm sick of bitching and complaining. I've actually bee really good about not complaining so much. I just want to let you know that I'm about to blow that.

I should be really happy right now. I got an email from Jeff (second one so far) this afternoon. Usually I would be smiling from ear to ear right now. Instead all I'm able to think about is the fact that I'm supposed to be so strong during this whole situation. So that's added on top to being strong while he is underway, while he is "off saving the world" (his words and I love it). I'm not saying I can't do it or I don't want to do it. If I didn't want to do it, I wouldn't have done it even this long. I guess all that I'm saying is that I wish he knew how hard I'm trying and how hard it is. I just want everyone to know that I'm fine but certain things that remind me of him a lot may send me over the edge.

I do the best that I can and I am the best that I can be. I have never been one to not go at something full force. I've grabbed this bull by the horns and I sure as hell am going to ride it til I'm bucked off. I'm here, I've figured out how to both live my life and wait for the love of my life. I guess now, all I can do is pray that I'm waiting for something that will happen and not something that will break my heart again.

Gosh I sound bipolar in this entry. lol. I promise I'm not, it's just one of those days.

Headache

I have a really bad headache tonight. No real entry I guess. If tomorrow is anything like today was at work, then I'll try to post one then. For now I'm just hoping I can sleep off this stupid headache (which feels like the start of a migraine).

BJ

It's passed my bedtime. I have to be at work at 6:20 in the morning and I really like to be asleep by 10:30. I don't really feel tired yet though. I did a bunch of laundry today! I really needed to since we're leaving for vacation at the end of the week. Zan and I went to Springdale this morning to Harbor Frieght. It was a bust in my opinion, but whatever.
BJ is here. My 16 year old cousin from Virginia got in this afternoon. Him and Zan have been playing video games ever since. lol. At least they aren't bugging me like I thought they would, so no complaints here. Not yet at least.
I'm dreading going to work tomorrow but really, I'm dreading this whole week. I just want it to be over so I can see some family and relax.
I'm off to at least lay down. I don't suspect to get sleepy til 11ish or later, but nothing hurts with trying.
Until Next Time.

"A" School

Damn you June "A" School list!! It's the 15th and you aren't updated!!!

Getting Easier

I'm giving up.
I don't know what to do.
I'm trying to figure out
What to do without you.

Life is complicated.
This is confusing.
How should I feel
About everything I'm losing?

I want to tell you everything.
I want you to too.
I feel so lost
I'm not me without you.

I am me.
This is who I am.
I just think me
Is better with you.

Ass Grab

Tomorrow is Another Day

I believe I promised a longer entry tonight. I'm not quite sure what I'm going to write about yet but I figure I'll just let it flow and we'll see where it goes. :)
I'm not really feeling better today. I still have no fever but I keep having problems breathing. I feel like I can't get enough air in. It sucks big time. I thought I was having an asthma attack at first. I haven't had asthma since I was 11 though. Now I kind of think that maybe it's just that I'm still sick even though I don't want to admit it. Perhaps it's moved down, to my chest. Oh joy. :) Ok, I'm done bitching about being sick.
I have no drive today. I'm sure it is because of the above (I didn't say the word). I so need to put away some clothes and straighten my room. It hasn't happened. It won't happen tonight now that Army Wives is on. Speaking of Army Wives, so far this seems like an episode that I can't relate to. FINALLY.
I'm not doing a good job at not emailing Jeff. I wanted to wait a few days before I emailed him. Haha, that was a joke. Today was email number 2. The first one shouldn't count because I was under the influence of Mucinex. It made me VERY emotional. I missed him VERY much. It's pretty much normal now. I mean it's as normal as it can be for the situation. A situation which has just added even more confusion onto it.
Anyway, I know no one truly wants to read all of this crap so I will spice up my blog a bit more from now on. I'm off to find a joke or something.

Unbirthday

I'm feeling much better today. By no means am I completely better but I have no fever today. I went into work at 7 this morning and lasted til my shift was over at 2. We were crazy busy today too. Actually tha part was a bit frustrating because I felt like I couldn't get the prep I needed to get done, done. Everytime I would go to start something a new customer would walk in. What should have taken me roughly an hour, ended up taking about 3. I didn't even get to eat lunch til 1:30, then I had to scarf it down in 5 minutes between customers. Don't think I'm complaining too much though because it really helped the time to pass by quickly. I really do like my job most days. There are some customers that can manage to ruin my entire day and working with certain people has a tendency to do the same. But that is it.
So today we celebrated mom's "unbirthday". Her birthday was yesterday but she had an absolute horrid day so she celebrated it today. We had some friends over and cooked out. Overall it was a lot of fun.
I don't have too much on my mind right now. I'm mainly just tired and ready for bed. I'm excited I get to sleep in 2 hours later than usual. Woot woot to not opening til 9 on Sundays. I'll try to write more tomorrow since my blogs have all been short recently.
Until Next Time.

Strength

I can be strong. I will be strong. This is only because I am sick. I will resist emailing you already. I can do this. I'm going to wait til the day I decided to email you. This really sucks by the way. Why is it this hard? Is it just because I'm sick? It's not even like we've been talking a lot but it feels that way. I admit that I miss you and that this is really hard. The whole thing is. I'm still crazy confused about everything. I don't know how I'm supposed to feel or what I'm supposed to do. I'm open to any advice. I guess for now this will be outlet. I'll write here everytime I want to write him. Be prepared.

Allergies

I still don't feel good. I don't want to go to work, but I am. I'm 90% positive that it's just really bad allergies. Either way though, all I want to do is sleep.

Sick Still

I don't really know what to write about. What I'd love to be able to write about will have to wait a few days. It's ok though because that will give me more time to think about it all. I'll get my thoughts together and figure out what needs to be said on here and what needs to be written elsewhere.
I got my new phone today. I'm officially a member of the iPhone club. Woot Woot. I've downloaded words with friends, so add me. Polishgirlinar.
As for anything I can think to write about, well it will have to wait. Right now I'm about to become good friends with a bottle of Nyquil. My allergies are still crazy and my headache is worse. :( But hey, I'm still going strong. I'm just a little more irretible than I'd like to be.
Until Next Time.

Blah

What have I accomplished so far today? No where near as much as I wanted to. I worked from 6-9 but really it was 6:15 because I didn't have a key and the girl training me overslept. Oh well, at least I stayed 20ish minutes late yesterday. I also vacuumed the pool. Other than that I've done just about nothing. I wish my throat would stop hurting and my headache would go away so I felt like doing more. Right now I just feel like crap. I took an allergy pill hoping that's what it is but it hasn't helped yet.
Anyway, I have to help Zan put stuff in the attic, he cleaned the garage today. Then I'm starting dinner. I'll probably write again tonight.
Until Next Time.

Random

Hmm... I'm not quite sure what I'm going to write about tonight. I don't have a planned out topic that ends up going in a million different directions as usual. So, I'm sure this will end up being short and random. :)

Honestly the main thing on my mind right now is how I have to get up again at 6 in the morning. I wouldn't be complaining if I was able to get enough sleep at night. I actually kind of like it because then I still have my whole day ahead of me. Especially on a day like tomorrow. I get off at 9. I plan on coming home and jumping back in bed. If for some reason I can't fall asleep then I'm making the cinnamon rolls I've been craving for a few days now. Yummy.

I really don't know what else to write about tonight. There is plenty of stuff but most of it I can't write about and some of it I guess I'd rather just keep inside for now. Oh and I just realized that I never posted any pics from Shareholders so... I've attached a few. The first is of Zac Brown Band. Second is Tim McGraw. Third is REO Speedwagon. And fourth is The Barenaked Ladies.

Upcoming Events

Obviously there has been a lot on my mind since this is my 3rd entry of the day. I guess the 1st one doesn't really count though. I'm going to keep relationship feelings out of this one. One of those a day is enough. LOL. So I think I'm just going to write about upcoming things. :)
Let's see... sometime in the near future I'm going to invest in a new phone. I want to get an iPhone. I'm pretty darn excited about it. Then my cousin from Virginia is getting to fly into town next Tuesday and go on vacation with us. I haven't seen him in over a year so I can't wait for him to get here. I also have that day off of work... YAY! Oh I'm taking advantage of my odd schedule on Thursday and Friday to finally clean my room and bathroom. It's way over due, trust me. This coming Friday is mom's birthday and her party is Saturday. Then the following Saturday we leave for a week of vacation. :) Granted it is to Branson but I'll get to see my family who is normally scattered all across the country.
This is a short one tonight. I've decided that I would love to get more than 4 hours of sleep tonight. So I'm shooting for 6 1/2 or 6 hours. Hopefully, it puts me in a little bit of a better mood and makes the day go a little faster.
Until Next Time.

Work, Missing Someone, and Being an Adult

What a day! Today was my first 8 hour shift at work. I go in to find that I work another one tomorrow. Oh joy, my knees are going to love me. At least the day after it I only work 3 hours. I've got 31 hours on the schedule this week. I could have had a few more on Friday but there is too much going on that day. So I'll just stick with the 3 hours I've got. Anyway, I've already decided that there are some people that I like to work with and those that make me want to quit on the spot. lol. I shall use no names but I will say that I worked with one of the people that makes me want to quit today. The good news is that I didn't quit, the bad news is that I seriously dread working with said person. Enough about work though.

So right now, I'm watching Legion. The first time I saw it I had Jeff's arm to grab. I'm home alone this time. It's really made me think. For starters, I will try really hard not to write anymore sappy, sad, or lovey blogs for a while. Ok, well for as long as I can tolerate. It is my blog after all. :) So for the first time, I am publicly admitting that I miss Jeff. I want it to be known that there isn't a thing I wouldn't do to make everything alright. I want it to be known that I do not have feelings for anyone but him and that I may be single but I am by no means available. I broke down last night, I had been holding in. I had been nothing but strong. I couldn't do it anymore though, so I broke down and cried. I got weak and now I'm having a hard time being strong again. Don't think that I'm constantly crying or just feeling sorry for myself. I'm not being strong in the sense that I can't get him off of my mind. That for the first time I'm thinking about how much I miss him and everything that I took for granted before. I'm trying to think of what I could do to fix everything but sadly I think it's not really something I alone can fix. So, I'm allowing myself to be sad and feel like this for a day or two because I think it's better to do that than to hold it in and lose it again. I don't want to cry like that again, I feel like a weak child when I do. That isn't me.

I am 20 years old. I am 20 years old and until recently I have not felt like an adult. I'm sure that seems pathetic and I'd agree. I have had few responsibilities, few opportunities that have mad me need to grow up. I don't know what it is that changed that, but I know that I suddenly want some sort of responsibility. I want to start acting my age. I am 20 years old and I went to a club for the first time last Friday. I am 20 years old and I'm going to upgrade my phone and pay for my upgrade and upgrade options. Sure those seem like small things, but I have to start somewhere. And even though they are small things, I'm proud of myself.

In summary then (oh yes, I'm throwing a summary into this one), I love and hate my job. I will probably not have it for a long time but I will not quit it until I have another one already (another adult thing in my opinion). I miss Jeff, I would probably be grabbing his arm right now. I want to do whatever I can to work things out with us. And finally, I am starting to feel my age. I am feeling like an adult.

Until Next Time (later tonight)

Sex Ed

It's all a little disappointing

Disappointment. At some point in our lives we all experience it. Some of us more than others. I have been a lot recently it seems. Sometimes I feel as if I set myself up for disappointment. I disappointment myself as well as others disappointment me. I tried for a little while to not put myself in situations where I would potentially be disappointed. That's actually a lot harder than it sounds though. Then you can't really get excited about anything. That's not fun, trust me.

So what am I to do in this situation? Do I continue to let myself get disappointed which leads to being sad? Do I stop letting myself get excited over things that could potentially disappoint me? I just don't know. That seems to be the story of my life. I'm so confused right now and I don't even know where to start to work on unconfusing (I think I just made that up) myself.

Sometimes I just wish things were the way they used to be. I know that sounds dorky and childish and like a hopeless romantic, but seriously that's what I want today. I want someone to talk to, to tell about my day. I want to hear about someone else's day. I want to be able to look at the background on my phone (which I can't bring myself to change) and not feel a little sad. I know that there are different stages to accepting all of this and I really feel like in the last 2 days I've digressed. Unless of course I'm finally accepting it. I guess I don't really know. Maybe it's a good thing, but it surely doesn't feel like it. I can't even write it all out because whenever I try my mind just becomes a jumbled mess.

I love how this entry changed subjects right in the middle. lol. The point of it is to get whats on my mind off so I guess it works. I have to be at work at 6 in the morning so I guess this is going to be it for the night. I'm sure I could write a ton more though. Maybe I'll write more when I get off tomorrow.
Until Next Time.

Panic

So today is apparently one of those days. Maybe it's just the way my day has gone but I don't know. I basically had a panic attack at work today when I was there alone for the first time. Now, I'm sad and missing him. Cosmo probably isn't helping that but hey. Actually, now that I know you read this I don't want to put it all in here. lol. Oh well though, if I don't put it in here I'll just continue to think about it. So... this morning I panicked at work. I was there by myself for the first time. I still don't know how to make all of the sandwiches, I don't even know where everything is still. At one point in time I was literally having a panic attack, stupid I know. Then all I wanted to do was text him because I know that he can always calm me down. I know it's silly that all I wanted to do was text him but even with everything that's going on he's still someone I would turn to. I resisted though. I didn't do it. In a way, I'm proud of myself but at the same time I just wish I could have done it.

I don't know what I'm thinking, I don't know why I'm writing this. There is a lot of stuff I can't admit right now, but I'd love to. I'd love to be able to get it ALL off of my chest, let all out. And if tears come with that then to just let them flow instead of being strong and holding them in. I can't say much more right now, I'm no longer in the mood to write.

Hello, I'm a Subway Sandwich Artist

As promised tonight's blog is about my new job, and probably some other stuff too. In case not everyone knows, I'm working at Subway as a Sandwich Artist. Oh yes, be jealous. I am still in training. I've got a morning or two left of it. I'm training to be an opener. For anyone who doesn't know, Subway is now open for breakfast... bright and early at 7 am. That means I have to get there at 6. I would say I'm not complaining but well, when I put on my application that I could open I had forgotten that they started serving breakfast. Oh well, it's just for the summer since I'll have 8 am classes in the fall.

Tomorrow I'll be at work for 2 hours by myself. I'm really nervous about it. I still don't even know how to make all of the sandwiches. At least it will be during the less busy time. I'm quickly learning that I move a bit slow for the world of fast food. It's fast paced, which means there isn't much time for errors. At least my manager is understanding. As for some of the customers, well that's another story. I think it's crazy how many regulars we have. I know that some people obviously are but it's more than I suspected. Which means... good news Jeff, you are not alone.

I'm also starting agree with my parents that everyone should work in fast food at some point in time. It's hard work. You sweat, you earn your minimum wage, it's a lot of standing on your feet, you learn great customer service, and you get great stories. It also has already (in the less than week I've been there) made me realize how important it is to get a college degree. lol. I do not want to be working in fast food still when I'm 40. Heck I don't think that I'll be in this job in a year. Although that's because I'm hoping to be able to have a job, as soon as possible, working with kids. I mean, it's what I'm going to go to school for so I think a little practice before it becomes a career will be a good thing. So everyone in NWA keep your ears open for me for any daycare openings or something of that sort.

One of these days I really am going to fall asleep before midnight. I'm actually not even really tired anymore. Maybe I should just start going to bed at 6 since that when I always seem to be sleepy. At least I don't have to be in til 9 tomorrow. I'm getting an extra hour in at work too! Woot Woot to money. Then my girls are coming over for swimming and maybe going to dinner after. I have the best friends. Seriously guys, thanks for keeping me busy and you are all welcome to come swim whenever you want!!
Until Next Time.

Lap Dance and Clubbing

Last night I went to a club with Emily end some of her friends. They were all incredibly nice and I enjoyed getting to meet new people. As for the club, well I've decided I am not a fan but if invited again I would probably go. I don't know anymore. There would have been a time that I would have danced with any man who walked up behind me. I would have gotten nervous at first but enjoyed the attention. lol. Now, it felt wrong. It felt like cheating. I know it's stupid, we're taking a break, I'm single but I did say that this is not a date other people break. But dancing isn't dating, dancing is nothing more than a bit of bumping and grinding. lol. By the way Emily, I would gladly dance with you again and make all those boys drool. ;)

So I really enjoyed the people watching at the club. Um wow, ok so I like to think of myself as being in decent shape but I don't think I'd ever wear hot shorts out in public. Just wanted to get that out there. I do know now that next time I go I need to wear my grey dress that's not appropriate for regular wear. lol. So now I'll just talk about the new people I got to meet... Betsy, I knew of her in high school. She was a year ahead of me. I am dressing more like her next time. Aaron, oh if I knew him better we would have had a talk about having a girlfriend but still making some of the comments he did about girls. He seems to be really nice and fun though. Jesse, was a gentleman. He was always close behind when I would suddenly leave the dance floor and go back upstairs to sit. Thanks for keeping me company and understanding. Tim, is a great guy but if he doesn't treat my Emily right he better watch out. 7 years of karate, that's all I'm saying. Oh and I have pepper spray... somewhere. And Emily, she cracked me up! She doesn't know it yet but she's going to most definitly be giving me some tips on lap dancing. I <3>
I wanted to be asleep by midnight, that didn't happen. At least I don't have to be to work til 11:30. One of these days I really will write about work. Some things are simply more important though. Things like friends and sleep. Without my friends I would not be making it through as easily as I am right now. Thanks for not letting me mope around the house and keeping me busy so I don't have time to be sad. And without sleep... I'd be dead.
Until Next Time

Break

How am I supposed to feel?
Why does everyone basically tell me I'm stupid? It's my decision. I know the end result could not be what I want but guess what there is just as great of a chance that it is.
I'm waiting, so stop making me feel like shit for wanting to do so!!

Praying for a Sign

So the concerts were great. I saw Zac Brown Band and Tim McGraw on Tuesday and REO Speedwagon and Barenaked Ladies last night. I also heard that Jamie Fox was at the Pleasant Grove Walmart last night and I know someone who checked in Mariah Carey. Shareholders should enjoy them tomorrow.

I started work today. I'm absolutely exhausted. I couldn't fall asleep last night and got woken up by a storm at 2 this morning. Sometimes I wish that I could just shut off my mind, then I would have had no problems falling asleep. Instead I sat up and prayed. Although I think I spent more time apologizing for not praying more often, seeming selfish in my prayers, and so on. I prayed for a sign. A sign so I would know what was what. To know what to do and how things will turn out. I had a dream, I don't know if it was my sign or not. If it was, I only hope that someone else receives the same type of outcome, a sign saying it's the thing that should be done. Of course I still don't feel at ease that's what makes me question if it was the sign I asked for or not.

Anyway, I don't think I can really write much more right now. If I do, well it would just be all of my feelings pouring out and I'm sure no one wants to read that. :) If I write again tonight I'll probably write a bit more about my first day. Of course, I just hope I can fall asleep earlier and at ease tonight.

Until Next Time.

Temptation

A mountain?

Love is cruel. It sets you up for heartbreak and loneliness. It feeds on lies. It tears you apart in a way that can never fully be fixed.

Seriously what is love? Is it when you have someone that you never want to be apart from? Is it that thing that keeps you up at night? Is it true or real? Does love exist?

What causes love to fade? People change, that's a fact of life. It's not always for the better but if love exists the other should learn to adapt to the change. They should not have to completely change themselves though. A lack of compromise? Relationships are 50/50 and it's not always straight but if someone fixed their half shouldn't the other person meet in the middle too?

I am in love. I've been in love for about 3 years. He broke my heart once but I was never able to get over it. Then he fixed it. Now, it's getting ripped apart again. Is it intentional? At this point in time there is not definite answer to that, I'm starting to speculate on yes though. I'll never stop loving him. Even if there is no more "us" down the road. He's my one and I know it. He's the only guy I've ever felt completely comfortable around. I trust him with my life, my heart. I pray that my heart is wrong right now because I don't know what I'll do if it is right. He'll always be my baby.

So, no I don't know what all is going on right now. Hopefully it's just me making a mountain out of a mole hill as usual (and I was thinking I was getting better about that). Pray and cross your fingers. If that is the case, this will seriously be the last time I do that. I put WAY too much stress on myself.

Until next time.