I'M HOME!!!
We had a great weekend camping down at Lake Fort Smith. It didn't rain!! For anyone who doesn't know it literally rained every camping trip last year and had on the other one we went on this year. It was pretty exciting. lol. It was rather hot but that was better than the rain in my opinion. We cooked on the dutch ovens every night. It was stews for dinner and I didn't think I'd like them, but I still tried and ate them both. We did brownies for dessert on the first night and apple cobbler the second. Both were done in the dutch oven. I must admit that dad is pretty good at it. :)
Jeff and I are supposed to skype tonight. I'm trying not to get excited because I'm sure it won't happen, but well I can't help it. I have only gotten a couple of pictures on my phone from him since I last saw him February 4th. I just want to see him even if it's only through a pixly skype session.
I'll write again later probably.
Monday, May 31, 2010
Friday, May 28, 2010
Camping with Abbi
I'm going out of town for the weekend. We're going camping at Lake Fort Smith. We were there last year for Labor Day weekend. There isn't much to do besides fishing but I think the time away will be good for me. I'm starting to realize how much life can suck sometimes. How no plans seem to stick anymore. Well, I'm done getting my hopes up. This is it. If I don't get my hopes up then I can't get dissappointed when it doesn't happen. That was off subject, sorry.
I don't have too much to say tonight. I never packed my clothes for camping. Zan and I are driving up separate after he gets out of school though, so I'll just do it later. We have to stop and get a bunch of stuff from Walmart before we get out of Fayetown... we forgot it tonight. We'll have Abbi with us too so I'm not sure how that will work. I don't think I can leave her in the car alone since it's been so hot recently. I think I'm going to just live in bathing suit tops all weekend. lol. It sounds like a plan to me. :)
Wish me luck on my cell phone signalless (haha I think I made that work up) weekend.
Until Next Time.
I don't have too much to say tonight. I never packed my clothes for camping. Zan and I are driving up separate after he gets out of school though, so I'll just do it later. We have to stop and get a bunch of stuff from Walmart before we get out of Fayetown... we forgot it tonight. We'll have Abbi with us too so I'm not sure how that will work. I don't think I can leave her in the car alone since it's been so hot recently. I think I'm going to just live in bathing suit tops all weekend. lol. It sounds like a plan to me. :)
Wish me luck on my cell phone signalless (haha I think I made that work up) weekend.
Until Next Time.
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
One Helluva Hug
Every night recently I've said to Jeff "There was something I wanted to tell you but I can't remember." Then shortly after hanging up I remember what it was that I had wanted to say. Too bad it's too late. Our conversation tonight was short, but that's fine it was late when he called. Even if it had been longer I can't say that I would have remembered. Gah! It's getting rather annoying. At the end of the day though, I'm just happy that I was able to talk to him. I don't think that he realizes how happy our conversations make me, even when they are that short. It's just hearing his voice, knowing that he's there on the other end of the line listening. I can't think of much to talk about recently, but it will pass and I once again won't be able to shut up at night.
There are days every once in a while where I miss him like crazy. Today didn't start out like one but apparently it's turned into one of those days. I had no intentions of writing the entire blog about Jeff. lol. I hope he doesn't mind. :) I just really miss him all of a sudden. I miss my good morning texts and the random sweet/loving texts I used to get. I didn't realize that I missed him so much until right now. I don't even know what it is that made me miss him so bad all of a sudden. I guess that maybe the reality of things set in. What things? Well, I can't say. I will say that I am so proud of him. SO PROUD! He's doing so great with losing weight and exercising. He's great at his job, figuring out stuff others can't. I don't know if I could get much prouder. I brag on him all of the time. When I do finally see him, whenever that may be, I can tell you he is going to get one helluva hug and have to pry me off of him. (I like to brag a little) No one else will ever be able to make me feel the way he does. Oh and the picture is old. It's from
senior year (I think) but it's one of my favs of us.
Until Next Time.
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Random
I didn't write yesterday and to be quite honest I have no idea what to write about today. My solution? Just write whatever comes to mind for a few paragraphs. If it's random or doesn't make sense I'd like to apologize. Especially since I'm flipping back and forth from writing this and reading Coastie Chicks. By the way... shout out to who ever my reader(s) from clearwater is/are! I like the feedjit thing that lets me see. lol
Today I rented Dear John. I had already seen it in theaters but it was one of those movies that I just needed to watch again. While watching it I got the sudden urge to write Jeff. He isn't underway or anything right now so I can talk to him as I usually do. I didn't really care. I've always been a fan of writing him letters although I'm not sure how he likes them. I'd imagine he doesn't mind. Who knows though because I usually write the stuff I don't want to say in our nightly conversations. I can get my emotions and feelings out so much better through writing. I did promise him a special letter as the next one, at the end of the one I wrote today. When he is underway I don't write him a ton of letters since 1.) they don't get mail that often and 2.) we constantly email each other. I do, however, write in a journal everyday. I gave him the journal I used after our first patrol together. I didn't write as much during the last patrol so I'm just going to put this patrol in that journal as well.
I really want to go shopping. I haven't been in forever. Sadly, I have no money right now. I don't even really "need" anything. Well, I actually do need shorts seeing as I only have 1 pair of jean ones. New flip flops would be nice too. I don't think I'll be able to do much saving when I first get a job. I'm so far behind on my shopping. lol. I also am thinking about getting an iPhone. Walmart is putting the 3Gs on sale for $97 to make room for the new 4G phone and well, my contract has been up for quite some time. Oh and don't forget my tattoo, but I already have that money saved up and separated so I don't spend it on something else. I just can't decide what I want. I know I want shooting stars, but there are so many options. I'll post a few that I like at the end of this blog. Let me know what you think.
So it wasn't as hard as I thought it would be to figure out what to write. lol. I have a pretty busy day tomorrow, thankfully. And I'm looking forward to this weekend. Camping all weekend at Lake Fort Smith with family friends.
Until next time.
Sunday, May 23, 2010
Army Wives *spoilers*
Army Wives is, without a doubt, my favorite tv show. Every Sunday night at 9, my tv is tuned to Lifetime. It always makes me think and 90% of the time it makes me cry. Tonight's episode really made me think. I thought about so much actually.
First, is that Jeremy needs to stop being a mommas boy. It is time that he starts making his own decisions. For peats sake, it was time for him to reenlist so he's at least 21. He doesn't need his mom's permission to re up. I realize that he still needs her approval and doesn't want to disappoint her. Jeremy is in the Army, it's time that he steps up and acts like a man. Haha, ok so in my head this sounded a lot differently.
Next, is that I don't know how any woman could go through what Roxy did tonight. She is a strong woman but for any woman to have a miscarriage must be unbareable. I tried to think (and it was a little hard since I don't think of being pregnant period) of what it must be like and what I would do. Honestly, I think I would feel like a failure. I would be incredibly sad and don't think I'd want to do much of anything. For anyone who has been through that before, you are stronger than I. And I am sorry you had to go through it.
Now onto Chase and Pamela. I know that he is going to screw up. He's Chase, it seems to be what he does. We can't lose Pamela though. Her character is so important and brings the drama. lol. At the same time though, I don't think that she should have asked him to quit Delta. I'm sure that she probably knew that he was a going to be a career man and although she may not have known he would be in Delta, she did have to realize the time they would be apart. He isn't gone for a year at a time, just days or weeks. She may not know when that will be but I still don't agree with her. I do think that he needs to step up and be there for his family when he is home. He needs to be there for her. She needs to know that he loves her and misses her when he's gone. He needs to be the man he used to be, the one she fell in love with. There are things that shouldn't change and his behavior towards her is one. He shouldn't ignore her. Then he can't come home and promise her everything is fine and will be fine. He can't expect her to believe him after he broke her heart. (So I think that I'm putting a few emotions from my own experiences in here... maybe I shouldn't have written this one.)
If you take the time to think about it, you can associate every couple on army wives with a real one you know. Or at least almost all of them. It's been a night for me, but hey what's new? I have a bunch of these now a days. Lonely days is how I'm referring to them from now on. I think it's time to stop writing before I say something I'll regret. Maybe some ice-cream will make it better.
First, is that Jeremy needs to stop being a mommas boy. It is time that he starts making his own decisions. For peats sake, it was time for him to reenlist so he's at least 21. He doesn't need his mom's permission to re up. I realize that he still needs her approval and doesn't want to disappoint her. Jeremy is in the Army, it's time that he steps up and acts like a man. Haha, ok so in my head this sounded a lot differently.
Next, is that I don't know how any woman could go through what Roxy did tonight. She is a strong woman but for any woman to have a miscarriage must be unbareable. I tried to think (and it was a little hard since I don't think of being pregnant period) of what it must be like and what I would do. Honestly, I think I would feel like a failure. I would be incredibly sad and don't think I'd want to do much of anything. For anyone who has been through that before, you are stronger than I. And I am sorry you had to go through it.
Now onto Chase and Pamela. I know that he is going to screw up. He's Chase, it seems to be what he does. We can't lose Pamela though. Her character is so important and brings the drama. lol. At the same time though, I don't think that she should have asked him to quit Delta. I'm sure that she probably knew that he was a going to be a career man and although she may not have known he would be in Delta, she did have to realize the time they would be apart. He isn't gone for a year at a time, just days or weeks. She may not know when that will be but I still don't agree with her. I do think that he needs to step up and be there for his family when he is home. He needs to be there for her. She needs to know that he loves her and misses her when he's gone. He needs to be the man he used to be, the one she fell in love with. There are things that shouldn't change and his behavior towards her is one. He shouldn't ignore her. Then he can't come home and promise her everything is fine and will be fine. He can't expect her to believe him after he broke her heart. (So I think that I'm putting a few emotions from my own experiences in here... maybe I shouldn't have written this one.)
If you take the time to think about it, you can associate every couple on army wives with a real one you know. Or at least almost all of them. It's been a night for me, but hey what's new? I have a bunch of these now a days. Lonely days is how I'm referring to them from now on. I think it's time to stop writing before I say something I'll regret. Maybe some ice-cream will make it better.
Saturday, May 22, 2010
Graduation
Ok so for starters you have to go watch that video. It's for the song Jenny by The Harters. I'm in love with it for some reason. I don't know if it's the lyrics or the music that I like but either way, it's one of those songs that I listen to over and over again.
So, no I didn't graduate today. I graduated in 2008. BHS class of 2010 graduated today and it made me feel like reminiscing. Two years ago, I graduated from Bentonville High School with honors. I worked my butt off to get that 3.5 GPA, by the way. The funny thing is, I don't remember walking across the stage. I remember standing in line on the ramp to go up and I remember shaking the resource officers hand when I got off of the stage and was walking back to my seat. Haha. I also remember that the guy beside of me gown broke. His zipper wouldn't stay zipped and we had to rig something up with one of my bobby pins. Lol. Next thing I know, it was over. What I had worked toward since kindergarten was over in just a couple of hours. But hey, it was totally worth it. I've been out for 2 years and don't miss high school at all. I miss some of my friends actually, but other than that... nothing.
Friday, May 21, 2010
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Politics and flying
Tonight Zan and I were talking and he mentioned how a bunch of his friends were going to talk to recruiters after school today. I asked which branches and he told me that 4 were going to talk about flying with the Navy and 3 the Marines. Later on we discussed what branches and jobs we would want in the military. I said that I would only join 2 branches (one is because I'm a little biased), the Coast Guard and the Air Force. Zan would only join the Air Force. Of course two of the jobs that he would want to do he wouldn't be able to because his sight is too bad. He'd want to be a pilot, fly an ROA, or be a mechanic on helos. As for me, the only thing I can think that I'd want to do is be a pilot. I've always had an attraction to planes. :) If I couldn't do that I'd be happy with any other one that could potentially land me at the Pentagon. Oh and by the way, the only way I'd join is if I could be an officer.
I guess that it just got me thinking. Are we the only ones that think about this but do nothing about it? Is it normal to think about it but not have the intention to do it? We've had plenty of family in the military. My grandfather was in the Air Force, my uncle and aunt in the Army, another uncle and cousin in the Navy, and a cousin (my age) in the Air Force. There's probably more but at the moment I can't think of them. I guess we need someone to join the Coast Guard and the Marines and we can have had every branch covered at some point in time. :)
Just my little rant for the night I guess. Time to write uncle a letter now and go to sleep.
Until next time.
I guess that it just got me thinking. Are we the only ones that think about this but do nothing about it? Is it normal to think about it but not have the intention to do it? We've had plenty of family in the military. My grandfather was in the Air Force, my uncle and aunt in the Army, another uncle and cousin in the Navy, and a cousin (my age) in the Air Force. There's probably more but at the moment I can't think of them. I guess we need someone to join the Coast Guard and the Marines and we can have had every branch covered at some point in time. :)
Just my little rant for the night I guess. Time to write uncle a letter now and go to sleep.
Until next time.
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
What Goes Around Comes Around
I'm sitting here on my bed tonight watching David Letterman, when the news breaks in with a severe weather alert. It appears that it doesn't directly affect me so I'm just wishing that it would get back to the show. Russell Brand was cracking me up. Well, they're talking about strong winds and flash flooding. Apparently in Tulsa they are having to water rescue people because the storm drains couldn't keep up with all of the rain. Bet you can't guess what happens next? The storm knocks out the satellite signal. I'm now staring at a black screen with a blue bar that tells me its searching for one. Of course the thunder and lightening have intensified now and I just want the weather back. Karma?? I think so. I was so focused on wanting to watch my show that I didn't think of those that needed to see the weather. Trust me, it won't happen again.
Karma usually does a pretty good job at bringing me back to reality when I get a little conceited or something. I'm a firm believer in her. I've seen enough proof to know that if you just wait long enough she'll get her revenge... what goes around comes around.
Back to the weather though (I'm kinda spacey tonight). I am so sick of the rain! It rained like 6 out of 7 days last week and it's going to be raining 2 this week. I wouldn't mind nearly as much if it were simply a pop up storm or something of that nature. Oh no though, these are all day events. It started raining this morning about 9 or 10. It rained through 4 stopped for a little while and started back about 4:30. Then a while later it stopped for a few hours. Guess what's back?? It looks like it's going to be raining for several more hours tonight and the same type of thing tomorrow. Last week we had to drain water out of the pool because it was way past the point of no return. Plus all of this rain hasn't given the pool a chance to warm up. It got up to 74 yesterday but I'm sure it's below that now.
Until next time.
Karma usually does a pretty good job at bringing me back to reality when I get a little conceited or something. I'm a firm believer in her. I've seen enough proof to know that if you just wait long enough she'll get her revenge... what goes around comes around.
Back to the weather though (I'm kinda spacey tonight). I am so sick of the rain! It rained like 6 out of 7 days last week and it's going to be raining 2 this week. I wouldn't mind nearly as much if it were simply a pop up storm or something of that nature. Oh no though, these are all day events. It started raining this morning about 9 or 10. It rained through 4 stopped for a little while and started back about 4:30. Then a while later it stopped for a few hours. Guess what's back?? It looks like it's going to be raining for several more hours tonight and the same type of thing tomorrow. Last week we had to drain water out of the pool because it was way past the point of no return. Plus all of this rain hasn't given the pool a chance to warm up. It got up to 74 yesterday but I'm sure it's below that now.
Until next time.
Poem Attempt
You've done this to me.
You're the reason I'm like this now.
I know you aren't losing sleep over it.
I'm sure you're not even stressed like me.
How can you not be though?
Times have changed.
In my opinion, not for the better.
I'm doing everything I can think of.
I'm trying as hard as I can.
Are you happy now?
I don't what I am.
I want to be happy.
Things apparently can't stay the same though.
And I can't seem to understand why.
Why?
Things aren't always as they seem
Emotions and acts can be easily covered.
I'm not what you say I am.
You don't take the time to know anymore.
Why is that?
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Stress Reliever
Sometimes I can exaggerate stuff a lot. I'm great at making a big deal out of something small. A mountain of of a mole hill. I generally don't even pay attention to myself when I'm acting like this. lol. I'm sure that other people do but not me. I've always been this way. I've always been a horrible stresser. I worry about everything. When I was younger I worried about things well beyond my years. I've never liked being a worrier but it's something I've never really been able to change, despite my effort. To me, it's just something that has become a part of my life. When I go back to school in the fall I know that my stress level will only increase. It's no big deal in my opinion. I stress about school, it is something I have literally done forever. My 2nd grade teacher used to tell me my only homework was to go out and play. Otherwise, I would spend hours doing homework that should've only taken 30 minutes.
Trust me, I know that stress isn't healthy. It's hard on the heart and it only makes my OCD worse. So what do I do to distress? Haha, nothing anymore. It used to be karate. I could take out all of my stress with it. When I taught karate I was in the dojo everyday, for at least 2 hours, after school. The dojo closed and I had to find a new way to release my stress. At first, it was finding a really curvy road and just driving. That worked wonders. Too bad it also used a lot of gas and well I don't have the money to cover that one. In college, I tried running. It was ok, in the end though it only caused pain in my knees thanks to my arthritis. So what now? I have no gym membership so working out like that isn't an option. I have no money to cover driving (even if I did I don't think I'd stick with that one). I can't run. What can I do to help rid myself of stress? What's your stress reliever?
I had no idea what to write about tonight. I'm in a pretty good mood but this is just something that has been on my mind for a few weeks now. I thought it was time to get it out and try to figure it out.
Until next time.
Trust me, I know that stress isn't healthy. It's hard on the heart and it only makes my OCD worse. So what do I do to distress? Haha, nothing anymore. It used to be karate. I could take out all of my stress with it. When I taught karate I was in the dojo everyday, for at least 2 hours, after school. The dojo closed and I had to find a new way to release my stress. At first, it was finding a really curvy road and just driving. That worked wonders. Too bad it also used a lot of gas and well I don't have the money to cover that one. In college, I tried running. It was ok, in the end though it only caused pain in my knees thanks to my arthritis. So what now? I have no gym membership so working out like that isn't an option. I have no money to cover driving (even if I did I don't think I'd stick with that one). I can't run. What can I do to help rid myself of stress? What's your stress reliever?
I had no idea what to write about tonight. I'm in a pretty good mood but this is just something that has been on my mind for a few weeks now. I thought it was time to get it out and try to figure it out.
Until next time.
Monday, May 17, 2010
TMI
I don't think it rained today! I'm really happy about that. lol.
So I know yesterday I said my posts should no longer be bipolar but I have one more complain/vent one. I really hate being a girl sometimes. I know that certain people/person like that I am, but seriously half my year is spent with crazy hormones. Think about it, one week a girl is PMSing, then it's spent, well we all know how the other week goes. The first week is just as bad as the second in my opinion. I used to be very mean and emotional that week. Thanks to BC now I'm just emotional, but not nearly as bad. Then comes "the week". I have serious problems falling sleeping (worse than usual), my appetite changes, back pains, and so on.
I'm sure that by now you're probably wondering why on earth I'm talking about this somewhat, still, taboo subject... well, because I want to. It's not like it's a secret that females go through this. It's just something most women don't want to talk about, it's private. Sure it is, but don't you ever feel like telling everyone why you're in the mood you're in? Trying to make men understand what's going on? Cursing it? Sure, if something happened and I had to have a hysterectomy and didn't have a period anymore I probably would be sad. Not because I no longer felt like shit each month but for the other things that come from being able to have a period. I don't want kids now, I don't even know if I want them at all yet. But I bet that if I no longer had that option I would do anything to have it back. Plus, then I'd just be bitching about the hot flashes. lol.
I'm 20 years old, I've only been living like this for 5 years now and I'm sick of it. But hey, at least I don't have to worry about the possibility of a little friend adding shape to my pants. lol
Until next time.
Nickelback
So I was driving to drop off an application in Rogers and heard a Nickelback song I didn't recognize. I started freaking out thinking they had a new cd coming out soon. I went home and looked up the song. Apparently it's from a cd in 2000 and I just didn't realize it.
Oh so if anyone loves me and wants to buy my the Theory of a Deadman cd I'd love you forever. lol. I've been in a music mood the last few days.
Oh so if anyone loves me and wants to buy my the Theory of a Deadman cd I'd love you forever. lol. I've been in a music mood the last few days.
Sunday, May 16, 2010
Job
All is right again in the world of Samantha, emotion wise at least. I just thought everyone should know since my posts seem to be bipolar. Lol. I'm upset in some, lonely, mad, sad, and happy. Sometimes I just need a really firm hand (haha not literally though) in telling me what to do. I can be so stubborn that I get stuck in my ways and thoughts and don't acknowledge the other things. It just takes me seeing what all I'll lose or will happen if I continue to think the way in which I am. I got that! Thank you sweetie. :)
Now if I could only get a job, just about everything would be peachy. I sent my resume, which I had to make tonight, to the Fuse tonight. They're hiring part time front desk and child care position. I would LOVE that job. It would give me more interaction with kids, which I'm wanting since I've decided to major in early education. It would also put me back in the scene of a gym. I went for working out 2-3 hours a night when I taught karate to nothing. I'm not too crazy about that. I have an outstanding application at Petco and Petsmart. I am turning one into Bed, Bath, & Beyond tomorrow, and I need to update my Walmart and Sams ones. I'm feeling lucky this week so cross your fingers please!
A great picture by Emily!
Now if I could only get a job, just about everything would be peachy. I sent my resume, which I had to make tonight, to the Fuse tonight. They're hiring part time front desk and child care position. I would LOVE that job. It would give me more interaction with kids, which I'm wanting since I've decided to major in early education. It would also put me back in the scene of a gym. I went for working out 2-3 hours a night when I taught karate to nothing. I'm not too crazy about that. I have an outstanding application at Petco and Petsmart. I am turning one into Bed, Bath, & Beyond tomorrow, and I need to update my Walmart and Sams ones. I'm feeling lucky this week so cross your fingers please!
A great picture by Emily!
Saturday, May 15, 2010
Pictures
I had a great day today. One of my besties, Emily, and I went out. She took tons of pictures of me. Lol. They turned out really good and I can't wait to share some.
Friday, May 14, 2010
Bucket List
I was recently reading an article about the top 10 water sites to visit before you die. That made me think some. What's on my bucket list? What do I want to do before I die (which I hope doesn't come for many, many, many years)? I realized that mine consists mostly of places I want to visit. Of course there are other activities in it but it's nothing like the one in the movie. :) Tonight I want to write about a few of the things I want to do before I die.
My first one (and these aren't really in any order) is that I want to travel by every major form of transportation. I've gotten to experience plane rides, which I love, so far. Also, I've traveled by boat thanks to the cruises I've been on. I've been on the Metro, but I want to go on a real train. The remaining forms are the generics... cars, buses, horses (but not for much distance since I'm allergic), and RV. So I guess that leaves trains and helicopters (I know they aren't a major form of transportation but I've always thought riding in one would be cool).
Another item on my list is to swim with dolphins. I've actually don't even think I've ever seen a dolphin, not even in a zoo. When I was younger, I loved dolphins and had a bunch of dolphin decor in my room. I don't care where it is that I swim with one, I just think it would be a great experience.
My aspirations to be President may be gone; however, I still long to meet a sitting President. I don't care what party he/she is affiliated with even. There is something about meeting the Commander in Chief, the most powerful person in the government, that gets my blood flowing. Lol. Tomorrow I'll get to see First Lady Laura Bush... "No autographs or pictures please." :(
I want to get my black belt in karate. I've taken karate for a total of 7 years. Four of those years I actively worked toward obtaining my black belt. I would have done it too, but we moved. Years passed before I got back in it, but this time I was working for a karate school as an instructor. Between the 2-3 hours teaching a night and school during the day, I did not have the energy or time to continue to work towards my black belt. I'm not giving up though, I loved karate and I loved competing. Eventually I will get back in it and I will get my black belt.
Travelling to Europe is something I've wanted to do for as long as I can remember. I've always loved Russian history and thought it would be cool to visit the country. Of course I want to see Poland. How could I not want to see the land of some of my ancestors? I also want to visit Ireland. I think that would be fun to do in the winter when it'd still be green there. Travelling in general is something that I love to do. I also want to visit all 50 states. I've been to over 30 so far!
Those are just a few things that I want to do before I die. The list goes on and on and contains a lot of general things along with some I'd like to think are more unique. Do you have a bucket list?
Until next time.
My first one (and these aren't really in any order) is that I want to travel by every major form of transportation. I've gotten to experience plane rides, which I love, so far. Also, I've traveled by boat thanks to the cruises I've been on. I've been on the Metro, but I want to go on a real train. The remaining forms are the generics... cars, buses, horses (but not for much distance since I'm allergic), and RV. So I guess that leaves trains and helicopters (I know they aren't a major form of transportation but I've always thought riding in one would be cool).
Another item on my list is to swim with dolphins. I've actually don't even think I've ever seen a dolphin, not even in a zoo. When I was younger, I loved dolphins and had a bunch of dolphin decor in my room. I don't care where it is that I swim with one, I just think it would be a great experience.
My aspirations to be President may be gone; however, I still long to meet a sitting President. I don't care what party he/she is affiliated with even. There is something about meeting the Commander in Chief, the most powerful person in the government, that gets my blood flowing. Lol. Tomorrow I'll get to see First Lady Laura Bush... "No autographs or pictures please." :(
I want to get my black belt in karate. I've taken karate for a total of 7 years. Four of those years I actively worked toward obtaining my black belt. I would have done it too, but we moved. Years passed before I got back in it, but this time I was working for a karate school as an instructor. Between the 2-3 hours teaching a night and school during the day, I did not have the energy or time to continue to work towards my black belt. I'm not giving up though, I loved karate and I loved competing. Eventually I will get back in it and I will get my black belt.
Travelling to Europe is something I've wanted to do for as long as I can remember. I've always loved Russian history and thought it would be cool to visit the country. Of course I want to see Poland. How could I not want to see the land of some of my ancestors? I also want to visit Ireland. I think that would be fun to do in the winter when it'd still be green there. Travelling in general is something that I love to do. I also want to visit all 50 states. I've been to over 30 so far!
Those are just a few things that I want to do before I die. The list goes on and on and contains a lot of general things along with some I'd like to think are more unique. Do you have a bucket list?
Until next time.
Thursday, May 13, 2010
OCD
I think that in one of my first posts I mentioned that my OCD and anxiety were acting up. Generally I am able to keep my OCD under control. I am aware of what my major habits are and keep an eye out for myself doing them. When I hit a rough patch, which happens anywhere from every couple months to every couple of years, I have a lot of habits that I generally don't. Plus, the normal ones are intensified.
I've pretty much always had OCD. When I was 11 years old I was officially diagnosed with it. At the time I had no eye lashes, eye brows, and had started pulling out the hair on my arm. I did all of that without knowledge I was doing it at the time. Well, 11 year old kids can be pretty mean sometimes so I decided it was time to go find out what I could do about it. My doctor referred me to a counselor and I went. He made me talk about stuff, and cry (which I didn't like), and told me that he could put me on medication to help control my habits. The thing was that the medicine was personality changing. Personally, I like my personality (at least most days). I decided to find a way to control the habits on my own.
My first step was to make myself aware of my habits and when I was doing them. That is actually harder than it may seem because if someone else pointed them out it didn't seem to matter. Then I had to find out what I could do to make myself stop. I tried a lot including snapping a rubber band on my wrist. Ended up though, as long as I had something in my hand when I was stressed (what triggers my OCD the most) then I would not pull out my hair. Nine years later, I have my eye brows back and the hair on my arms are fine. I still have issues with my eye lashes. Obviously they aren't going to grow back overnight and often grow back just in certain spots (I was told they wouldn't grow back at all). So, I pull them out. I have tried on multiple occasions to stop, to let them grow back. If they looked bad when a lot were in, I would pull them out then. I fail every time though.
So back to the fact that my OCD is acting up now. Recently I have caught myself pulling at my eye brows and my arm hairs again. No, I'm not at all proud of myself. I'm 20 years old and still can't control myself. I have to start dinner everyday at 5:30, even though it's always done well before anyone gets home. If I don't start it on time, I freak out and don't want to make it at all. I can't have any dirt under my finger nails, I can't wear nail polish on my finger nails either. As soon as it has one chip in it I have to take it off then, even if that means picking and peeling it off. My habits are weird, they aren't like a lot of other people's who have OCD. I'm not an obsessive cleaner, I don't have to retrace my steps if I step weird, and things being out of place don't bother me. Change does bother me though. It bothers me really bad, especially recently. I have to check doors after I lock them, sometimes more than once. I have habits in the way I say stuff. Every night I say "Love you... Mwah... Night" to Jeff. When I don't say those and don't get them said back I freak out. I'm an expert at turning little ant hills into mountains. My thoughts control me completely some days. There can be no actual sign of something but I'll find a way to make something completely different connect to it. Then I focus on that and nothing else. I'll cry over these, what essentially are, hypothetical situations. Is that normal? Well, no. It is fore me though.
Sometimes it's harder for people (basically everyone but my parents) who haven't been around me before when I'm having a bad spell, to understand what all is going on. Sometimes it's hard for me to get what's going on because it seems as if there is always something different. For example, the last 2-3 weeks, I've felt depressed. Like I'm in a rut that I can't get out of. It still doesn't make me want to get on medication though. The last bad spell I had was in November and it only lasted a week, before that it was January/February of my senior year of high school.
So, do you have OCD? Just some habits? What do you do about them?
Until next time.
I've pretty much always had OCD. When I was 11 years old I was officially diagnosed with it. At the time I had no eye lashes, eye brows, and had started pulling out the hair on my arm. I did all of that without knowledge I was doing it at the time. Well, 11 year old kids can be pretty mean sometimes so I decided it was time to go find out what I could do about it. My doctor referred me to a counselor and I went. He made me talk about stuff, and cry (which I didn't like), and told me that he could put me on medication to help control my habits. The thing was that the medicine was personality changing. Personally, I like my personality (at least most days). I decided to find a way to control the habits on my own.
My first step was to make myself aware of my habits and when I was doing them. That is actually harder than it may seem because if someone else pointed them out it didn't seem to matter. Then I had to find out what I could do to make myself stop. I tried a lot including snapping a rubber band on my wrist. Ended up though, as long as I had something in my hand when I was stressed (what triggers my OCD the most) then I would not pull out my hair. Nine years later, I have my eye brows back and the hair on my arms are fine. I still have issues with my eye lashes. Obviously they aren't going to grow back overnight and often grow back just in certain spots (I was told they wouldn't grow back at all). So, I pull them out. I have tried on multiple occasions to stop, to let them grow back. If they looked bad when a lot were in, I would pull them out then. I fail every time though.
So back to the fact that my OCD is acting up now. Recently I have caught myself pulling at my eye brows and my arm hairs again. No, I'm not at all proud of myself. I'm 20 years old and still can't control myself. I have to start dinner everyday at 5:30, even though it's always done well before anyone gets home. If I don't start it on time, I freak out and don't want to make it at all. I can't have any dirt under my finger nails, I can't wear nail polish on my finger nails either. As soon as it has one chip in it I have to take it off then, even if that means picking and peeling it off. My habits are weird, they aren't like a lot of other people's who have OCD. I'm not an obsessive cleaner, I don't have to retrace my steps if I step weird, and things being out of place don't bother me. Change does bother me though. It bothers me really bad, especially recently. I have to check doors after I lock them, sometimes more than once. I have habits in the way I say stuff. Every night I say "Love you... Mwah... Night" to Jeff. When I don't say those and don't get them said back I freak out. I'm an expert at turning little ant hills into mountains. My thoughts control me completely some days. There can be no actual sign of something but I'll find a way to make something completely different connect to it. Then I focus on that and nothing else. I'll cry over these, what essentially are, hypothetical situations. Is that normal? Well, no. It is fore me though.
Sometimes it's harder for people (basically everyone but my parents) who haven't been around me before when I'm having a bad spell, to understand what all is going on. Sometimes it's hard for me to get what's going on because it seems as if there is always something different. For example, the last 2-3 weeks, I've felt depressed. Like I'm in a rut that I can't get out of. It still doesn't make me want to get on medication though. The last bad spell I had was in November and it only lasted a week, before that it was January/February of my senior year of high school.
So, do you have OCD? Just some habits? What do you do about them?
Until next time.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Distance
A year ago today, Jeff asked me if I would go out with him again. Without hesitation and without jokingly making him I was going to say no like the first time, I said yes. I had somewhat of an idea as to what I was getting into. I knew that I would go months at a time without seeing him. I also knew that he would go underway for months at a time and I would not be able to talk to him. I knew that a long distance relationship wouldn't be easy but it was something I was willing to do to be with him. I had never really stopped loving him, I hadn't been able to completely move on as much as I tried to make it seem as if I had.
The day after he asked me out he had to leave to go back to Florida. Our long distance relationship started May 13th, 2009, one day after our relationship began. I remember texting him pretty much his entire way there. The reality of what was to come hadn't set in yet. I was still in aw that we were dating again. It was only a few weeks later when I was able to visit him for the first time. I was so excited and nervous about going to Florida. I'd never been on a plane by myself before and couldn't sleep for a few days before leaving. I also had NO idea what to expect when I got down there. I knew that he had to work but I also knew that his schedule was different than usual and he would probably be getting home earlier than usual. I got to Florida safe and sound. We had the best 5 days ever. He took me to the beach, we ate out, oh yeah and he took me to my first Tiffany & Co. I even made him take my picture in front of it. Lol. Eventually I had to go home though.
A little while after that he got underway. It was my first one with him. I must admit that I was pretty much a wreck. I can't even tell you that he got easier, because it really didn't. The internet was spotty and our communication was lacking. So how did I deal with it? I watched The Guardian, over and over again. So many times that my family told me I wasn't allowed to watch it in the living room any more. For anyone that has never seen The Guardian it's a movie about the Coast Guard, rescue swimmers to be exact. He may not be an AST but he is CG. Oh and for anyone who doesn't know, Jeff is so close to getting orders for AMT 'A' school, that would be the guys hanging out of the helo door looking for survivors and such. Well, after an extended period of NO communication he was finally back in Florida.
That's basically how the next few months would go. He would come home, I would go see him, and he would get underway. Thankfully his second deployment was a lot easier for me to handle, just to let you know. Over the months we had plenty to talk about. He helped me through some hard times and really stolen my heart... again. As with any long distance relationship we've had our hard times. Times when a thousand miles seemed more like 5,000 miles. I've had my hard times with it. Times when I cried because it seemed so hard and he seemed so far away. There have been days when I wanted nothing more than to be in his arms. In the end, I just need a little (sometimes a lot of) reminding that we can do this and that he loves me. He's pretty good at reminding me how much he loves me. Sometimes I wish I was the same way for him.
I know that I can be a handful at times. I know that I can be overly emotional at times too. Jeff has stuck with me through it all. It's my turn now to be there for him. The coming months hold a lot of change for us. I haven't been accepting that change the best. He's going to be going underway, shortly after coming back he's going to EMT 'C' school (I'm very proud of him), hopefully as soon as that's over he'll be getting orders to the airman program (4 months long), which will be followed by AMT 'A' School (20 weeks long). I'm so very proud of him. I know that he is going to excel at school and get the pick that he wants. I know that I need to stay strong for him when the time comes and be patient with him when school interferes with our nightly conversations and what not. It will be really hard for me and it's not something that will happen overnight. But I know that with time and a little encouragement that I will be able to accept everything that this next year has in store for the both of us.
So, I may not get to see him when I want or nearly as often as I want but that's just part of it. It's part of a long distance relationship with someone in the military. Plans change and it's just something that you have to be prepared for. I've learned a lot about myself this past year, I've learned a lot about Jeff. I get my hopes up to easily and when something happens that breaks them, I take way to hard. I've learned that there isn't a person in this world that I would rather be with besides Jeff. I've learned that I still have a lot to learn. That sometimes, I think I expect too much from Jeff and I need to learn to meet him in the middle more often. I've learned that Jeff probably has more patience with me than anyone else possible could. He knows exactly what to say to calm me down. We are a strong couple together. We made it through this last year and we can make it through anything.
Baby, we did it. We did something that so many thought wouldn't happen. We did something that many haven't been able to do. I had a great year, no matter what how it may seem. This year flew by and I hope that this next one goes just as fast. I can't wait to see you again. I don't even know if I'll recognize you skinny man. lol. No matter how long it may be though, I'll be here waiting for you. You're amazing. Thank you for all of your patience these last few weeks. I'm sure that you don't think that today is nearly as big of a deal as I am making it to be, but just bear with me. It's hard not being able to see you today to share this day with you. So just imagine that I'm there giving you the best back scratch you can think of. I love you and I know that you love me. I hope you had a great day and I'm sorry you didn't get your present today, don't try to get it out of me though because I'm already tempted to just tell you. Mwah.
Until next time.
My Day
So I'm up much later than I would like to be. I got distracted reading my girl V's posts on facebook and talking to my friend Sarah. I'm also not feeling very tired tonight. I don't know if it's from some relief I got tonight or because of new questions the same conversation created? Or perhaps I had a false sense of hope in thinking that my insomnia issues were coming to an end? I don't really know, but for tonight I just want to sleep. I actually didn't even want to get out of bed this morning. How sad is that?
So I know it's a little out of character from my other posts but I think tonight I'm just going to write about my day. Today was the first day since I don't know when, that I was able to sleep in. I think it was almost 10 before I finally woke up. Then I just wanted to stay in bed. I knew that wasn't a good thing to do so I just layed around and didn't let myself fall back to sleep. Eventually, I couldn't stand how hot my room was getting so I got up, opened the door, and got on my computer. After fiddling around for a while, I got up and ate some lunch. Yes, I skipped/slept through breakfast.
After lunch I got back on the computer to figure out what classes I was going to sign up for. Oh boy was that fun! I must say, NWACC's website is not very user friendly. After 2 hours of searching (including the lengthy time it took me to find where to see the classes) I had all but one class picked out. Then I got confused and thought I had to pay as soon as I signed up (apparently I was in the Corporate Learning section) and didn't sign up then. I was a little frustrated by this time. After cooling down some I decided to fill out an application for Petco, Petsmart is to come tomorrow. I so want a job right now. With no hope of seeing Jeff before he goes underway I'm needing a distraction more than ever. Plus, I'm sick of sitting around the house and really want the money so I can get my tattoo. Well, let me just say the Petco application took longer than expected and had one of those personality quiz things on it. I always fail those. :( I turned on 'Say Yes to the Dress' and watched until it was time to start dinner. I'm actually really starting to enjoy cooking dinner (most nights). Tonight was sweet and sour chicken!
After dinner I went back to sign up for classes and that was another lovely adventure on NWACC's site. Dad ended up figuring out how to do it and told me. Oh ya and I had to find another class because I needed at least 15 hours so I can be on my parents insurance again. Finally, I signed up. Spanish, Biology, General Socialogy, Computer Information Systems, and General Pyschology. No classes on Fridays by the way. Woot Woot. Next, we found out that I didn't have to pay when I signed up. haha. We watched Lost and Jeff called. That was basically my day. Pretty dang boring just as tonights blog was.
So I've thought of a few blogs topics that will be coming soon. Tomorrow will be dedicated to me and Jeff. We will have been dating for a year (this time. Lol). I also plan on writing about OCD and some of my habits in the near future.
Until next time.
So I know it's a little out of character from my other posts but I think tonight I'm just going to write about my day. Today was the first day since I don't know when, that I was able to sleep in. I think it was almost 10 before I finally woke up. Then I just wanted to stay in bed. I knew that wasn't a good thing to do so I just layed around and didn't let myself fall back to sleep. Eventually, I couldn't stand how hot my room was getting so I got up, opened the door, and got on my computer. After fiddling around for a while, I got up and ate some lunch. Yes, I skipped/slept through breakfast.
After lunch I got back on the computer to figure out what classes I was going to sign up for. Oh boy was that fun! I must say, NWACC's website is not very user friendly. After 2 hours of searching (including the lengthy time it took me to find where to see the classes) I had all but one class picked out. Then I got confused and thought I had to pay as soon as I signed up (apparently I was in the Corporate Learning section) and didn't sign up then. I was a little frustrated by this time. After cooling down some I decided to fill out an application for Petco, Petsmart is to come tomorrow. I so want a job right now. With no hope of seeing Jeff before he goes underway I'm needing a distraction more than ever. Plus, I'm sick of sitting around the house and really want the money so I can get my tattoo. Well, let me just say the Petco application took longer than expected and had one of those personality quiz things on it. I always fail those. :( I turned on 'Say Yes to the Dress' and watched until it was time to start dinner. I'm actually really starting to enjoy cooking dinner (most nights). Tonight was sweet and sour chicken!
After dinner I went back to sign up for classes and that was another lovely adventure on NWACC's site. Dad ended up figuring out how to do it and told me. Oh ya and I had to find another class because I needed at least 15 hours so I can be on my parents insurance again. Finally, I signed up. Spanish, Biology, General Socialogy, Computer Information Systems, and General Pyschology. No classes on Fridays by the way. Woot Woot. Next, we found out that I didn't have to pay when I signed up. haha. We watched Lost and Jeff called. That was basically my day. Pretty dang boring just as tonights blog was.
So I've thought of a few blogs topics that will be coming soon. Tomorrow will be dedicated to me and Jeff. We will have been dating for a year (this time. Lol). I also plan on writing about OCD and some of my habits in the near future.
Until next time.
Monday, May 10, 2010
My Mother
So I know this is a day late but I got so caught up in yesterdays post that I forgot to mention my mom. As we all know yesterday was Mother's Day. I have one of the best mom's in the world. For that, I'm going to dedicate this blog to her and about her. :)
My mom has always been there for me when I need her. I can think of so many examples recently. My mom has been my rock for the last 20 years. She has stuck by my side and has been my best friend. Sure, we've had our arguments and fights. We don't agree on everything but we always make up in the end. A few years ago my mom found out they were moving her job to New York and my boyfriend broke up with me on the same day. I had called her in the school parking lot after school bawling because I was so upset. She cheered me up and said what needed to be said so that I could gather myself enough to drive home. She walked through the front door and I was there waiting. As soon as she hugged me we both started crying. I started telling her everything that had happened and then she told me that she had to find a new job. I would have never have known if she'd told me. She was there for me, comforting me. She was there for me and I was there for her those next few days.
She's one of the most patient people that I know. To be quite honest, those around me need to have patience and always have. When I was younger, I was an extreme perfectionist. It would take me forever to do anything. Homework that should have taken 30 minutes to do, would end up being an all night event. Trust me when I tell you that you never want to go shopping with me, especially not for pants. I'm so picky about the way stuff fits that it takes hours usually when school shopping... oh and my mood swings are quite violent during so. Mom always sticks with me.
I know that everything she does for me or tells me to do is for my own good. She's only looking out for me, even though it may not always seem so. I know that when I go to her for advice or an opinion that I'm going to get what I'm looking for and it will be the truth. She's not going to candy coat something just so she doesn't hurt my feelings. Mom, I love you. I thank you for being there for me when I need you. I love all of the great memories we have had and can't wait to see what is to come.
Until next time.
My mom has always been there for me when I need her. I can think of so many examples recently. My mom has been my rock for the last 20 years. She has stuck by my side and has been my best friend. Sure, we've had our arguments and fights. We don't agree on everything but we always make up in the end. A few years ago my mom found out they were moving her job to New York and my boyfriend broke up with me on the same day. I had called her in the school parking lot after school bawling because I was so upset. She cheered me up and said what needed to be said so that I could gather myself enough to drive home. She walked through the front door and I was there waiting. As soon as she hugged me we both started crying. I started telling her everything that had happened and then she told me that she had to find a new job. I would have never have known if she'd told me. She was there for me, comforting me. She was there for me and I was there for her those next few days.
She's one of the most patient people that I know. To be quite honest, those around me need to have patience and always have. When I was younger, I was an extreme perfectionist. It would take me forever to do anything. Homework that should have taken 30 minutes to do, would end up being an all night event. Trust me when I tell you that you never want to go shopping with me, especially not for pants. I'm so picky about the way stuff fits that it takes hours usually when school shopping... oh and my mood swings are quite violent during so. Mom always sticks with me.
I know that everything she does for me or tells me to do is for my own good. She's only looking out for me, even though it may not always seem so. I know that when I go to her for advice or an opinion that I'm going to get what I'm looking for and it will be the truth. She's not going to candy coat something just so she doesn't hurt my feelings. Mom, I love you. I thank you for being there for me when I need you. I love all of the great memories we have had and can't wait to see what is to come.
Until next time.
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Parents
Disclaimer: I realize I am not a parent and thus am not giving tips or suggestions. I am not responsible for any offense that is taken to my blog. It contains my feelings and mine alone.
Today we took mom to Silver Dollar City for mother's day. She wanted to see the Fiery Fiddles and today was the last day of World Fest. While at the park I experienced several acts by parents that really sent upset me. I realize that I am not a parent and have no intentions being one within the next 5 years of my life. I do; however, know that I will not be one of these parents.
The first thing I'd like to talk about is something that I have been against for quite some time. I actually think I belong to a facebook group against it. lol. What is it you ask? Child leashes! Your child is not a dog. They are a person. I would not want someone to put a leash on me. I would behave worse personally. Of course I'm a rebellious adult now. Zan always asks if he can get "one" when we pass a child on a leash. He promises to feed and water it everyday. Then mom tells him it will grow up. I must admit that it is funny. I realize that most do it to keep their kids from running away. Well, I have a few solutions... hold the child, put him/her in a stroller, or don't bring him/her. What kind of ride is a 2 year going to go on in the park anyway? Especially when you're in the part of the park with the "big kid" rides. DON'T TREAT YOUR KIDS LIKE A DOG.
The next thing to bother is that it is International Fest right now. There are people working at the park who are from all over the world. Children don't have filters. They don't always know what is the right thing to say and what's the wrong thing. When your child goes up to someone who looks different than them and makes a negative remark about their race then you need to blame yourself! Where else are they going to learn that from? A few years ago my family went on a trip out west. We were at Yellowstone National Park and I was listening to a thing about the volcano there in spanish, just so I could see how much I could understand. A kid, who was between the ages of 6 - 8 years old, comes up to me. He pushes the button for english and says "This is America, speak American." Where do you think he learned that? His parents. So now we're raising our kids to think that "America" is the superior race. That all others are the foreign bad guys. It is going to be a generation full of racists!!! Lesson here... WATCH WHAT YOU SAY IN FRONT OF YOUR KIDS.
Ok my final rant of the night was brought on by the lady sitting in front of me on the tram ride back to the car. Her kid was on a leash by the way. The tram started to stop at the first stop and the kid was sliding off of his seat and bouncing around (just from the bumps, not on purpose). Instead of putting her hand in front of him to protect him or nicely asks him to scoot back, she starts screaming at him. She's yelling, at this boy who couldn't have been more than 3, to sit back in his seat. She grabs a loop on his leash and pulls him violently back into the seat, where he hits his head on the hard plastic seat back. Then she's yelling at him to stop leaning on her bag because he's going to break her handblown cross. Are you freaking kidding me?? I couldn't help but think about that one... her handblown cross? She's practically abusing her leashed child but heaven forbid he breaks her christian cross while he's just wanting her because he's hurt. Oh that really bothered me that she cared more about that than her child. HUMAN LIFE > MATERIAL OBJECTS
I know that if I ever become a parent that I will not be perfect. Nobody is perfect. I do know though, that I would teach my child not to run away from me as my mom did with me. I know that I will not let my child think that he/she is superior to anyone else. We are all the same. And I also know that my child will come before any possession I have, no matter the value.
Until next time.
Today we took mom to Silver Dollar City for mother's day. She wanted to see the Fiery Fiddles and today was the last day of World Fest. While at the park I experienced several acts by parents that really sent upset me. I realize that I am not a parent and have no intentions being one within the next 5 years of my life. I do; however, know that I will not be one of these parents.
The first thing I'd like to talk about is something that I have been against for quite some time. I actually think I belong to a facebook group against it. lol. What is it you ask? Child leashes! Your child is not a dog. They are a person. I would not want someone to put a leash on me. I would behave worse personally. Of course I'm a rebellious adult now. Zan always asks if he can get "one" when we pass a child on a leash. He promises to feed and water it everyday. Then mom tells him it will grow up. I must admit that it is funny. I realize that most do it to keep their kids from running away. Well, I have a few solutions... hold the child, put him/her in a stroller, or don't bring him/her. What kind of ride is a 2 year going to go on in the park anyway? Especially when you're in the part of the park with the "big kid" rides. DON'T TREAT YOUR KIDS LIKE A DOG.
The next thing to bother is that it is International Fest right now. There are people working at the park who are from all over the world. Children don't have filters. They don't always know what is the right thing to say and what's the wrong thing. When your child goes up to someone who looks different than them and makes a negative remark about their race then you need to blame yourself! Where else are they going to learn that from? A few years ago my family went on a trip out west. We were at Yellowstone National Park and I was listening to a thing about the volcano there in spanish, just so I could see how much I could understand. A kid, who was between the ages of 6 - 8 years old, comes up to me. He pushes the button for english and says "This is America, speak American." Where do you think he learned that? His parents. So now we're raising our kids to think that "America" is the superior race. That all others are the foreign bad guys. It is going to be a generation full of racists!!! Lesson here... WATCH WHAT YOU SAY IN FRONT OF YOUR KIDS.
Ok my final rant of the night was brought on by the lady sitting in front of me on the tram ride back to the car. Her kid was on a leash by the way. The tram started to stop at the first stop and the kid was sliding off of his seat and bouncing around (just from the bumps, not on purpose). Instead of putting her hand in front of him to protect him or nicely asks him to scoot back, she starts screaming at him. She's yelling, at this boy who couldn't have been more than 3, to sit back in his seat. She grabs a loop on his leash and pulls him violently back into the seat, where he hits his head on the hard plastic seat back. Then she's yelling at him to stop leaning on her bag because he's going to break her handblown cross. Are you freaking kidding me?? I couldn't help but think about that one... her handblown cross? She's practically abusing her leashed child but heaven forbid he breaks her christian cross while he's just wanting her because he's hurt. Oh that really bothered me that she cared more about that than her child. HUMAN LIFE > MATERIAL OBJECTS
I know that if I ever become a parent that I will not be perfect. Nobody is perfect. I do know though, that I would teach my child not to run away from me as my mom did with me. I know that I will not let my child think that he/she is superior to anyone else. We are all the same. And I also know that my child will come before any possession I have, no matter the value.
Until next time.
Saturday, May 8, 2010
Sleep
Oh sleep, how I miss thee! In the last few weeks sleep has been a stranger to me. There seems so always be something aiding the trouble I already have falling asleep. I usually go through spells where for a couple of weeks I have some crazy insomnia. I'm generally able to get through with some melatonin and valerian root. If that doesn't work, then well I'm just grumpy and you should stay away. Recently, a lot of other things have been adding onto this. The stupid arthritis in my knees has been acting up. Every time I lay down, the pressure on my knees is really bad and I can't get comfortable. I've also had A LOT to think about the last 2 weeks. That doesn't help especially since it comes on at night... stupid insecurities.
Some, very lucky, people have no problems with sleep. I was actually one of these people at one point in time (pre-senior year of high school). For example, Jeff fell asleep while we were on the phone tonight. Trust me I don't hold this against him at all. For starters that was me in high school. I would always fall asleep while we were talking (oh how the roles have reversed). I'm actually jealous and wish it had been me. My brother is another person who didn't have problems falling asleep tonight. Mom knocked on his door about 10 and he was apparently out already.
Speaking of mom, she also has problems sleeping. Could it be genetics?? I think there's a strong chance there actually because my pawpaw has issues with sleep too. Stupid Mullins curse I say. Well, genetics is annoying me at the moment. I have huge bags under my eyes and am getting to that grumpy stage. Sleep, please find your way to me tonight!
By the way I suggest Meet My Mom on the Hallmark channel. I just turned it on because it has Lori Loughlin in it and well, nothing else was on. It's ended up being a good movie.
Until next time.
Some, very lucky, people have no problems with sleep. I was actually one of these people at one point in time (pre-senior year of high school). For example, Jeff fell asleep while we were on the phone tonight. Trust me I don't hold this against him at all. For starters that was me in high school. I would always fall asleep while we were talking (oh how the roles have reversed). I'm actually jealous and wish it had been me. My brother is another person who didn't have problems falling asleep tonight. Mom knocked on his door about 10 and he was apparently out already.
Speaking of mom, she also has problems sleeping. Could it be genetics?? I think there's a strong chance there actually because my pawpaw has issues with sleep too. Stupid Mullins curse I say. Well, genetics is annoying me at the moment. I have huge bags under my eyes and am getting to that grumpy stage. Sleep, please find your way to me tonight!
By the way I suggest Meet My Mom on the Hallmark channel. I just turned it on because it has Lori Loughlin in it and well, nothing else was on. It's ended up being a good movie.
Until next time.
Friday, May 7, 2010
Tattoos
So, I think that all my other blogs seemed really down and sad. I kind of was at the time. Since though, I have decided that things could be so much worse and that I'm going to make the best of this situation. I'm actually kind of excited and looking forward to the new opportunities it will bring. For anyway who may have worried, Jeff and I are absolutely fine. It was just me, well being me. I realized this past week that have some issues with insecurity. This is something I really want to work on over the next few months. There is no reason for me to worry about the things that I do and had been this week.
Now it's time to buckle down. I NEED a job! I'm sick of sitting at home and being broke. I don't want to go spend crazy (although I don't plan on saving any of my first paycheck). I want to save most of it but at the same time want to be able to buy a new shirt when I see a cute one. lol. Oh ya and I'm going to finally get my tattoo. It's not the one I wanted for a long time but it's one that represents something I kind of lost sight of recently. A tattoo of stars. That way I'll never forget to shoot for the stars and to dream big. Something I've always been a believer in.
I think my lack of sleep is starting to get to me. I know that I had more to say but I seem to have forgotten it. So, until next time. :)
Now it's time to buckle down. I NEED a job! I'm sick of sitting at home and being broke. I don't want to go spend crazy (although I don't plan on saving any of my first paycheck). I want to save most of it but at the same time want to be able to buy a new shirt when I see a cute one. lol. Oh ya and I'm going to finally get my tattoo. It's not the one I wanted for a long time but it's one that represents something I kind of lost sight of recently. A tattoo of stars. That way I'll never forget to shoot for the stars and to dream big. Something I've always been a believer in.
I think my lack of sleep is starting to get to me. I know that I had more to say but I seem to have forgotten it. So, until next time. :)
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Tears
To be quite honest I don't feel like writing tonight. I think I'm having an anxiety attack and I just feel like crying.
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Initiative
Initiative - The power or ability to begin or to follow through energetically with a plan or task.
A year ago I had plenty of initiative. I was in college, away from home. I wasn't exactly in love with that college but I wasn't going to just give it up. I was in a sorority, which I was also not entirely in love with. No, I didn't have a job but I had tried to find one in the boring town of Jonesboro without much luck. I knew what initiative was. I took it by the horns and showed it who was boss. That was a year ago though.
Fast forward to June. I quit my sorority. It was 100% my choice. I realized that it wasn't for me, I was different from the girl I was when I rushed. Now fast forward to August. I had moved back Jonesboro. I was back at ASU. I had kind of not been wanting to go back to the town thrown in amoungst the corn fields but figured I would give a semester and transfer for the spring semester. Well, that didn't happen. Just 3 days into the semester I realized that if I stayed I would be absolutely miserable. I knew that I wouldn't give 100% to my work and that it would suffer. I don't like to do anything if I'm not going to give it my all. I came home in the middle of that week and withdrew and moved home that Friday.
It was too far into the semester (even though just 3 days) to sign up for any classes at NWACC unless they were late start ones. Well, let me tell you... late start classes at NWACC are classes like basket weaving and swimming. Not at all what I needed. I decided to take the semester off and get a job. I did get a job, after months of searching. It was only seasonal though and I evidently was not the best come the end of the season. Oh well, I had wanted to find a new job anyway. Only I never realized that I would go 5 months without being able to find one. I have no ambition to go to NWACC now (although in my defense I never really wanted to). I had a plan though. Yes, just one plan but a plan nontheless. I'm a planner. I find something to plan about and figure out every possible scenario for that plan. No surprises is my thought. WRONG! What about when the entire plan falls through? What do you do then? I guess that's where I am now. I have to find the initiative (which i have it's just not visible) and find a new plan. I have to suck it up and be an adult.
Until next time
A year ago I had plenty of initiative. I was in college, away from home. I wasn't exactly in love with that college but I wasn't going to just give it up. I was in a sorority, which I was also not entirely in love with. No, I didn't have a job but I had tried to find one in the boring town of Jonesboro without much luck. I knew what initiative was. I took it by the horns and showed it who was boss. That was a year ago though.
Fast forward to June. I quit my sorority. It was 100% my choice. I realized that it wasn't for me, I was different from the girl I was when I rushed. Now fast forward to August. I had moved back Jonesboro. I was back at ASU. I had kind of not been wanting to go back to the town thrown in amoungst the corn fields but figured I would give a semester and transfer for the spring semester. Well, that didn't happen. Just 3 days into the semester I realized that if I stayed I would be absolutely miserable. I knew that I wouldn't give 100% to my work and that it would suffer. I don't like to do anything if I'm not going to give it my all. I came home in the middle of that week and withdrew and moved home that Friday.
It was too far into the semester (even though just 3 days) to sign up for any classes at NWACC unless they were late start ones. Well, let me tell you... late start classes at NWACC are classes like basket weaving and swimming. Not at all what I needed. I decided to take the semester off and get a job. I did get a job, after months of searching. It was only seasonal though and I evidently was not the best come the end of the season. Oh well, I had wanted to find a new job anyway. Only I never realized that I would go 5 months without being able to find one. I have no ambition to go to NWACC now (although in my defense I never really wanted to). I had a plan though. Yes, just one plan but a plan nontheless. I'm a planner. I find something to plan about and figure out every possible scenario for that plan. No surprises is my thought. WRONG! What about when the entire plan falls through? What do you do then? I guess that's where I am now. I have to find the initiative (which i have it's just not visible) and find a new plan. I have to suck it up and be an adult.
Until next time
Monday, May 3, 2010
History
After the freakout I had last night had passed, I realized that I was indeed overreacting. No, it wasn't what I want but it isn't just about me. I guess one of the parts I hated the most was that I feel like it's 100% my fault. Another thing is that once again I got my hopes up on a time period just to have them ripped away. Ya, that's the one that sucks especially since I told myself not to get my hopes up anymore. I'll try not to next time, but seriously this is me we're talking about.
I suppose it's time to move onto a new subject and perhaps a new channel since the one currently on is about food. I'm starving all of a sudden. Actually, it's been one of those days where I just want to constantly eat. So much for the flat stomach I've had the last few days.
Not much is on my mind tonight. Nothing major happened today. Nothing even made me really sit and think. Oh fun fact I learned on that America show on the History Channel. 20,000 people died on the Oregon Trail. That is 10 people for every 1 mile. I had no idea. I am really loving this show for anyone who does not watch it... watch it! Last week I learned that 5% of Americans can trace their roots back to the Mayflower. I know that dad's side didn't come over on it but mom said that her mom's family can trace back to it (I think).
Until next time
I suppose it's time to move onto a new subject and perhaps a new channel since the one currently on is about food. I'm starving all of a sudden. Actually, it's been one of those days where I just want to constantly eat. So much for the flat stomach I've had the last few days.
Not much is on my mind tonight. Nothing major happened today. Nothing even made me really sit and think. Oh fun fact I learned on that America show on the History Channel. 20,000 people died on the Oregon Trail. That is 10 people for every 1 mile. I had no idea. I am really loving this show for anyone who does not watch it... watch it! Last week I learned that 5% of Americans can trace their roots back to the Mayflower. I know that dad's side didn't come over on it but mom said that her mom's family can trace back to it (I think).
Until next time
Things to Think of
We had been stuck on a plane at the terminal for at least 3 hours at this point.
Hello blog world. I'm not sure how long I'll stick with this to be quite honest but I'll continue to write as long as I have something to say.
Jeff and I had a conversation for the ages tonight. Did I react the way I should have? No. I should have been more like the adult I am. I need to find a job, but I need to find a job for me. Saving money for us is a benefit of the job and not the reason for me to get one. I need to go to school if it's the thing that I think is best for me right now. I need to do more things for me. I love us. Us is the best thing to happen to me since well, us the last time. lol
Actually, I'm watching Army Wives right now and I realized that I never want to be the "stay at home military wife." No offense to any that do that, it's just not who I am. I once has aspirations to be in politics in Washington. Those days may be gone due to well, my lack of ability to lie but my big dreams don't have to be. And sure, maybe I don't have as big of plans or goals right now but I think that once I figure out exactly what is I want to do now, I'll of course shoot for the top. That's who I am. If I were a politician I'd settle for nothing less than President. If I were in the military then I'd work my ass off to be an Admiral. I suppose that if I'm a teacher I had might as well shoot for principal or superintendent. As with all of the of things it will take a long time to work towards, years of schooling (late nights getting a masters and teaching) and years of kissing butts. Haha just kidding about that. Is this something I can achieve alongside (not behind) Jeff? Without a doubt. If my dad can get his degree over 10 years after his first attempt and with a wife and 2 kids to support while also working full time... then I know I can do it. I'll have none of those to distract me. Of course I can say that because well Jeff isn't a girl so it won't be a wife I have. :)
I'm always going support Jeff in whatever he does. He's my rock and I know I can always count on him being there. I think I let the distance get to me. The more free time I had, the more I could talk to him. After all, all we have right now are the phone calls and texts. I don't get to see him after work everyday or even every weekend. I cherish that week I get every couple of months though. In the end, I know it has made us stronger. I know that without a doubt that we will last because seriously if we can make it the first (sorta) year (in 9 days) of our relationship with me being able to count the days we've physically been together, then I know we can make it through anything.
So, I learned tonight that I need to relax and live for me more. I learned that the little scenarios I make up in my head are sooooooooo wrong. I learned that I need to find the happy median of leading and following (I guess just being side by side). I have to admit though I will not be sending fewer texts throughout the day and will still look incredibly forward to when I get to see him next.
Until next time!
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